The lie we’ve been told about feeling better about yourself
The personal development industry is often selling us a lie. It’s trying to convince us that with the addition of one more thing, one little insight, a new planner or a few more hours spent at the gym, we’re going to magically transform into a happier, hotter version of ourselves.
So many of us spend an enormous amount of time and money chasing down that magic wand or fairy godmother who we think holds the key.
But here's the thing we need to talk about: the idea that transformation requires some external magic - whether that's the perfect partner, the right opportunity, or even the ideal self-help program - is actually what's keeping you stuck. Which is why today we're diving into why you already have everything you need to create the confidence, dating success, and career fulfillment you're craving, with a little fairytale storytelling along the way!
The real reason you feel stuck in your personal growth journey
We all know the story of Cinderella, right? I'm going to assume yes and just jump in because I know you're busy.
Now most of us know the Disney animated version. But as with all fairytales, as I think we've come to learn, there are lots of versions, for Cinderella dating back to Ancient Greek times. Again, won't belabor you with a history lesson…
Here is what I want to point out: We focus so much on Cinderella's glow up in the story, the rags-to-riches of her being plucked out of a crowd by a handsome prince to live forever in true love and absolute luxury. But in almost every version of this ubiquitous story, this stroke of luck or fate didn't transform Cinderella into something she'd never been before.
In almost every version of the tale, from Greece to Italy to France (which factoid, is when the slipper was first glass!), Cinderella was beautiful or of noble birth or cherished before she had been forced to serve as a maid or put in hiding or some other minimizing role.
The girl wasn't plucked out of oblivion by an attractive man and made worthy! A bunch of people had just convinced her that she had to clean the floors or that she wasn't eligible or desirable and then at some point, the fairy godmother (or equivalent) helps her remember who she already was.
I'm sure y'all have already gathered what I'm getting at here. But just in case, let me beat you over the head with the glass slipper…You're not waiting for your prince to show you (or the world) that you're a princess!
The real problem here is that you let an evil stepmother keep you cleaning those damn floors this whole time!
(Important caveat: I'm not here for stepmom bashing. I have a stepmom and she's fab. Hi Kendall! If you're reading this!)
When you were born onto this planet, you did not have insecurities about your thighs or your writing or how goofy you were. Think of those adorable childhood photos where you're wearing some silly outfit and dancing in the living room. She knew she was a f*cking queen.
The thing is that somewhere along the way (usually in subtle ways in childhood and then it really gets beat into us during the hell that is middle school) someone suggested that there was something(s) wrong with us, that make us not good enough.
But now, when the guy doesn't swipe right or a dude ghosts you after the second date, you've got a story ready to go in your head about which flaw of yours motivated that decision. I need you to remember, Darling, those things are the whispers of your evil stepmother.
And let me be your fabulous fairy godmother (I think my whole life has led up to this analogy and I'm thrilled about it) and help you remember who you are, long before you ever step foot in that ballroom. Because that's the other part of the story that we don't discuss enough - Cinderella already looked and felt amazing before she ever walked into the room with the Prince. It's not him picking her that makes her feel good.
She did that sh*t on her own.
If you want to be confident at work, magnetic in your dating life, secure in your interpersonal relationships, the game is not to look for proof from the princes on the dating apps (lol) because that would be like Cinderella walking into the ball still in rags and asking someone to tell her she looks like a princess. The game is to find all the whispers of the evil stepmothers and stepsisters of your past and show them the door.
Why seeking external validation in dating keeps you stuck
Here's where this gets really practical in your dating life. When you're swiping through apps or getting ready for a date, are you showing up as your authentic self, or are you performing a version of yourself that you think will be more acceptable?
If you're like most eldest daughters, you've probably mastered the art of being what other people need. You're the reliable one, the one who has it all together, the one who can handle anything. But in dating, this often translates to over-giving, people-pleasing, and losing yourself in the process of trying to be chosen.
The magic you're looking for isn't in finding the perfect person who will finally see your worth. It's in showing up to dates already knowing your worth, already feeling good about yourself, already clear on what you want and need. When you do this, you naturally attract people who are genuinely compatible with the real you, not the performance version.
This doesn't mean you need to be "healed" or have everything figured out before you start dating. It means you stop looking for someone else to validate your worthiness and start operating from the assumption that you're already worthy of love exactly as you are.
How to build career success without sacrificing your authentic self
The same principle applies to your professional life. Many eldest daughters excel at work because we're natural leaders, problem-solvers, and high achievers. But we often succeed by over-functioning, taking on more than our share, and saying yes to everything because we're afraid that setting boundaries will make us seem less valuable.
This approach might get you promoted, but it rarely leads to the kind of fulfilling career success you actually want. You end up burned out, resentful, and feeling like you have to choose between being successful and being authentic.
Real career transformation happens when you start making decisions based on your own values and goals rather than what you think will impress other people. It's about using your natural leadership abilities in service of work that actually matters to you, not just work that looks good on paper.
This might mean having difficult conversations about workload, pursuing opportunities that align with your interests rather than just your resume, or even making career changes that feel risky but authentic. The magic isn't in finding the perfect job - it's in bringing your whole self to whatever work you choose to do.
Frequently asked questions
But what if I really do need to change things about myself to be successful in dating or my career?
There's a difference between growth and self-improvement that comes from self-love versus self-improvement that comes from self-rejection. Growing because you want to become the fullest expression of yourself is beautiful. Changing because you think you're fundamentally flawed is exhausting and ultimately ineffective. The question to ask yourself is: "Am I doing this because I love myself or because I don't think I'm good enough as I am?"
How do I know the difference between my authentic desires and what I think I should want?
Your authentic desires usually feel expansive and energizing, even if they're scary. The things you think you should want often feel heavy or like you're trying to convince yourself. Pay attention to your body - authentic desires tend to create excitement or curiosity in your chest and stomach, while "shoulds" often create tension in your shoulders and jaw.
What if I've been people-pleasing for so long that I don't even know who I really am anymore?
This is incredibly common for eldest daughters, and it's actually a sign that you're ready for this work. Start small - notice when you automatically say yes to things and pause to ask yourself what you actually want. Pay attention to what makes you feel energized versus drained. Your authentic self is still there; she's just been buried under years of trying to be what everyone else needed.
How do I stop looking for external validation without becoming selfish or disconnected from others?
There's a huge difference between healthy self-regard and selfishness. When you stop seeking validation, you actually become more present and generous in your relationships because you're not constantly worried about whether you're doing enough or being enough. You can show up authentically and give from a place of overflow rather than depletion.
What if people don't like the real me?
This is the fear that keeps most people stuck in performance mode, but here's the truth: people are already not liking the performance version of you sometimes, and that version isn't even real. When you show up authentically, you'll definitely repel some people - and that's actually a good thing because it means you're attracting people who genuinely appreciate who you are. Quality over quantity, always.
The transformation you're seeking isn't about becoming someone new - it's about remembering who you've always been underneath all the conditioning and expectations. You don't need magic to create the life you want; you need the courage to stop hiding your light under a bushel and start trusting that you're already enough.
Unlike Cinderella, you don't need a fairy godmother to help you step into your power. You have everything you need right now to start showing up differently in your relationships, your career, and your life. The magic wand that expedites this process? It's your willingness to question the stories you've been telling yourself about what you need to be worthy of love and success.
We're here as your internet big sisters, helping you name what's going on and offering ways to move forward that don't require you to outsource your decision-making to anyone else. Because at the end of the day, the most radical thing you can do is learn to trust yourself completely.
