3 things you probably need to hear
If there's one thing we've learned from speaking with countless eldest daughters navigating their late twenties and early thirties, it's that the themes that keep coming up in our conversations are usually the exact things we all need to hear ourselves. Whether it's in our DMs, during coffee chats, or in the comments on our latest content, the same patterns emerge again and again. And honestly? That's because we're all struggling with the same fundamental challenges when it comes to personal growth and self-worth.
Today, we want to share three essential truths that we're guessing a lot of you might need to hear. These aren't just feel-good platitudes or surface-level advice. These are the deeper realizations that can actually shift how you think about yourself, your relationships, and your life. Which is why today we're diving into the three most important mindset shifts that can transform how you approach personal growth.
The truth about self-worth and personal development that no one talks about
Before we get into the specific truths, let's set the scene for how we're talking about personal growth here. We're not interested in the kind of self-help that promises quick fixes or tells you that positive thinking alone will change your life. We're talking about the real, messy, sometimes uncomfortable work of actually shifting the patterns that keep you stuck.
As eldest daughters, we've been conditioned to believe that if we just work hard enough, achieve enough, or fix enough things about ourselves, we'll finally feel good enough. But here's what we've learned: that approach is fundamentally flawed. Because, let’s be real, if that worked we’d all be perfectly solved by now. (And yes, there’s a flaw in the fundamental assumption that there’s something in us to be fixed!) Hard work alone isn’t working so we have to look deeper into our thoughts and approach if we want to really start to feel differently.
TRUTH: There is no such thing as "Enough" when you're looking outside yourself
Let's start with the big one: the myth of "enough." How many times have you caught yourself thinking something like this?
"I'll feel confident when he asks me to be his girlfriend."
"I'll feel fulfilled once I'm in the new job."
"I can relax and enjoy life once I'm making six figures."
"If I were getting more matches on the apps, I'd feel less insecure."
"If I were working out more consistently, I'd feel more disciplined."
"If I were better at making decisions, I'd trust myself more."
We all slip into this pattern of thinking. It's so much easier to look at the world and say, "Oh, this unpleasant feeling I'm having? It's fixable when xyz is true" than to look at ourselves and realize that something about the way we're thinking is causing the feeling. A circumstance won't necessarily fix it.
Think about it: When you got your first "real" job, did you immediately feel confident and competent? When you got that raise you'd been working toward, how long did the feeling of "rolling in the dough" actually last? When you went on that second date with someone you really liked, did you immediately and permanently feel attractive? Of course not.
Here's why: we look out into the world to confirm what we already believe about ourselves. So if you think you're unattractive, when you're on a date with a guy you're not particularly into, you'll think "Ugh, am I going to be stuck dating guys like him because he's the only type of guy that will be into me?" And when you're on a date with a guy you really like, you'll think "Ugh, he's so great, I can't believe he actually wants to be on a date with someone who looks like me. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't want another date."
All of our thoughts flow around the belief we already have, like water down an already carved riverbed. The external circumstances change, but the internal narrative stays the same.
In order to get the feelings we're all seeking - confidence, fulfillment, peace, worthiness - it's an inside job. It's about managing our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves. Until you start being able to feel like what you have and who you are is enough TODAY, there will never be a day where getting some new thing will magically satisfy that longing.
Now, this doesn't mean you can't want more or that you shouldn't have goals. Feeling “good enough” does not require being perfect, where you believe that there’s nothing else you’d want to change about yourself. You're absolutely allowed to want more, to know you have things to improve, to work toward new achievements. When we feel “good enough” we’re in a place of self-acceptance - even with this flaw or that weakness, I deserve to feel good and have good things happen to me. When we’re in that place, self-improvement comes from a place of feeling like we deserve new things, not as punishment or trying to “fix ourselves.”
The difference between these two approaches is everything. One comes from abundance and self-love; the other comes from scarcity and self-rejection. And the energy you bring to your goals and relationships will be completely different depending on which foundation you're operating from.
TRUTH: You're not asking for too much (and stop letting people tell you to be “realistic”)
The second truth we need to talk about is this persistent idea that we need to "be realistic" about what we want. Whether it's how we want to be treated at work, the type of partner we want to date, how often we want to hear from that partner, or what kind of life we want to build - there's always this voice (sometimes our own, sometimes other people's) telling us to lower our standards.
But here's what "being realistic" usually actually means: if I set the bar lower, I'm less likely to be disappointed. It's a protection mechanism, not wisdom.
The problem with this approach is that the real wants - the ones related to how you want to feel, not the superficial ones like "I want him to be well-dressed" or "I want summer Fridays at work" - don't go away just because you try to convince yourself you can compromise on them. So if you do all that work to talk yourself into accepting less than what you actually want, when you get the thing you say you want, it'll always have a tinge of compromise and resentment in it.
We play this game because we think if we set the bar a little lower for the guy, the job, the lifestyle, we'll get it sooner and we'll be happier sooner. But as we covered in the first truth, the feeling that we're searching for doesn't come from a change of circumstance anyway.
Let's be clear: we don't all get to be multi-millionaires, jet-setting to tropical islands and working three days a month. But most of us don't really want that life anyway. What we actually want is much more fundamental and achievable:
Someone who puts us first and makes us feel safe and cared for
Our contributions at work to be appreciated without having to trade our lives outside of work for our success inside of work
To be able to voice when we're disappointed or uncomfortable without retaliation
For the person we voice concerns to actually want to address our concern
To feel seen, heard, appreciated, prioritized, and cared for
Those needs? To be seen, heard, appreciated, prioritized, cared for? Those needs are completely valid. You're not asking for too much. But you have to believe that so that you're willing to wait for something that doesn't feel like a compromise.
This is especially important for eldest daughters because we've been conditioned to be the "easy" one, the one who doesn't cause problems, the one who makes everyone else's life easier. We've learned to minimize our needs and maximize our giving. But that pattern doesn't serve us in adult relationships or career situations.
We can often hear well-meaning advice from from peers or loved ones like “are you sure you’re not being too picky?” or “might it be better to just accept something now to be done with a job search?” This advice probably comes from a place of love - they don’t like seeing you without the thing you want. But they use this idea of being “realistic” as way to try to get us out of the wanting sooner.
The problem is that this tactic is shortsighted - we might find a guy to go on a date with sooner if we’re more “realistic,” but we’d feel the weight of our compromise sooner too. We have to protect our own deep down desires and know that these fundamenal things like to be seen, heard and appreciated cannot be compromised on, even if it means our loved ones are uncomfortable with how long the process is taking.
Your standards aren't too high. Your needs aren't unreasonable. And the right people - whether that's a romantic partner, a boss, or friends - will not only meet those standards but will appreciate that you have them. The people who tell you that you're asking for too much are usually the people who benefit from you asking for less.
TRUTH: Changing thought patterns takes time (and it’s mean to!)
The third truth is perhaps the most important one, especially in our instant-gratification culture: changing a thought pattern is hard work that takes significant time.
Trust us, if you could just suddenly switch from thinking "there aren't any good guys out there" to "there are great guys all around me" or from "the guys I like don't like me" to "what I want is attracted to me," Eldest & Co wouldn’t exist.
Much of what we talk about here at Eldest & Co is noticing a current thought pattern, identifying whether it's helping or hurting you, and then working to shift that thought pattern to something more helpful and supportive. It's the foundation of all real personal growth work.
And often, people will come back a few weeks later saying "I'm still struggling to believe X (whatever thought we're trying to shift to)." The tone implies "I don't think it's working, can we try something else here?"
But here's the thing: when we've been thinking one way for our entire lives, a few weeks of noticing a thought pattern doesn't create significant, lasting change. This is why real transformation happens over months and years, not days and weeks. We have to slowly chip away at the scaffolding supporting that original thought pattern.
What evidence have you collected over the years that supports the old belief? What does it feel like when you start trying to believe the new thing? How does your body respond? What resistance comes up? All of this is valuable information that helps us understand how deeply rooted these patterns are.
Just because you're struggling to be more confident, to believe you're enough, to accept your life as it is, doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. It's also not proof that the new belief isn't true or that the work isn't working. It just means you need to give it more time and be more patient with the process.
Let us share a personal example: Like most women, our founder Samantha has had insecurities about her body. She started last summer noticing when she was making negative comments about those insecurities in the mirror - small chest, untanned skin, acne scarring, frizzy hair. Every time she noticed the critical thought, she tried to notice some part of her body she liked or thank her body for helping her wake up that day, her eyes for helping her see, her waist for how it looked in that skirt.
Slowly, she started to try to appreciate or compliment the parts of her body she knew weren't her favorites. The way her skin looked that day. The way a new bra showed off how she is naturally endowed.
When we tell you this was a day-by-day, month-by-month process, we mean it. And she's not completely past those insecurities. But her level of acceptance and appreciation of those parts of herself, a year later, feels miles from where it was. This past summer, she was wearing dresses with no bra and feeling cute in them. She cut down the amount of makeup she wears to cover acne scars and catches glimpses of herself in the mirror thinking "look how good your skin looks today."
And here's the really interesting part: as she shifted her own level of acceptance, she noticed the world shift too. She didn't immediately jump to the conclusion that the reason a guy didn't follow up was because of her physical insecurities. But she also had people comment on her skin, unprompted. And a guy she was on a date with specifically commented on how she looked in a dress.
The world confirms what we already believe about ourselves. But it takes time to shift those beliefs, and that's actually a good thing. If our core beliefs about ourselves could be changed overnight, they wouldn't be very stable or reliable. The fact that it takes time means that when you do shift them, the change is real and lasting.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How do I know if I'm being "realistic" or just settling?
A: Ask yourself this question: "Am I lowering my standards because I genuinely don't care about this thing, or am I lowering them because I'm afraid I can't have what I actually want?" If it's the latter, you're settling. Real compromise feels like a choice made from abundance, not fear.
Q: What if I've been working on changing my thought patterns for months and I don't see any progress?
A: First, progress in thought work is often subtle and non-linear. You might not notice the shifts until you look back over a longer period. Second, make sure you're not just trying to think positive thoughts on top of negative beliefs. Real change requires examining and questioning the evidence that supports your old beliefs.
Q: How do I stop looking for external validation while still wanting things like relationships and career success?
A: The goal isn't to stop wanting external things; it's to want them from a place of "this would be great to add to my already good life" rather than "I need this to feel okay about myself." When you can genuinely feel good about who you are today, you can pursue goals from excitement rather than desperation.
Q: What's the difference between having standards and being picky?
A: Standards are about how you want to feel in a relationship or situation. Being picky is usually about surface-level preferences that don't actually impact your wellbeing. Ask yourself: "Will this thing actually affect how safe, valued, and cared for I feel?" Or you can try digging deeper to find the core need by asking yourself, “what will having this trait make me feel?” For example, you might have said you want someone who is in the same career path as you and when you ask why your answer was “so we have things in common to talk about and he understands the demands of my day.” Asking why again might reveal, you want to feel understood for how your career connects to your personal mission and have someone who respects your emotional needs. Those deeper needs are far more useful than a specific career path, which is uneccessarily limiting.
Q: How do I deal with people who tell me I'm asking for too much?
A: Consider the source. Are they people who have what you want? Are they people who generally support your growth and happiness? Often, the people who tell us we're asking for too much are either people who benefit from us asking for less, or people who have settled in their own lives and feel threatened by our standards or they’re people who really love us and are themselves uncomfortable with the fact that we don’t have what we want yet. If you can support yourself in the face of either of these types of people while still holding true to what you want, you’ll figure it out in time.
The truth is, personal growth isn't about becoming a different person. It's about becoming more of who you actually are underneath all the conditioning, people-pleasing, and self-doubt. It's about remembering that you were born worthy and that no achievement or relationship status can add to or subtract from that fundamental truth.
These three truths - that enough-ness comes from within, that your standards aren't too high, and that real change takes time - aren't just nice ideas. They're the foundation for building a life that actually feels good from the inside out. A life where you're not constantly seeking external validation or settling for less than you deserve or beating yourself up for not changing fast enough.
We know this work isn't easy. If it were, everyone would be doing it. But we also know it's possible because we've seen it happen - in our own lives and in the lives of the women we work with. The key is to be patient with yourself, trust the process, and remember that the goal isn't perfection. The goal is progress, self-compassion, and the kind of deep self-trust that allows you to navigate life from your own inner wisdom rather than constantly looking outside yourself for answers.
You already have everything you need inside you. These truths are just here to help you remember that.
