I GET IT, I GIVE OFFbig sister energy
I’m Samantha and as a fellow “so mature for my age,” “we never had to worry about you” eldest daughter, I’ve spent the last 5 years working to put “former” in front of identities like people pleaser, overachiever, anxiously attached and perfectionist.
After 3 years of creating content that shared my experiences breaking these patterns, I realized that I was unintentionally contributing to the patterns that kept my fellow eldest daughters stuck.
We’re raised to put everybody else first, prioritize other people’s feelings over our own and follow the instructions of our “elders.” But all that does is erodes our ability to speak up, take risks and trust ourselves.
That sucks.
If you’re anything like me, you were always…
The get-the-A girl (so you’d get into college).
Do-the-chores girl (so you got the compliments from your parents’ friends).
Read-the-room girl (so you never said anything that would make a friend mad).
The do-it-all girl (so you’d get your boss’ approval).
Same, girl, same.
but let’s rewind for a second
5 years ago, I looked around and my life was just okay.
I often felt resentful towards friends and family because I was doing so much and not getting enough back
I was deeply afraid of conflict (and getting taken advantage of as a result)
Against all my best efforts, I’d ended up in 4 back-to-back situationships
In a corporate job full of political maneuvering that felt unfulfilling
I couldn’t travel like I wanted to because of PTO and my budget
Feeling meh about my body even though I knew I was nitpicking
TURNS OUT...I’d been putting other people’s opinions first for the last 20 years.
IT WAS LIKE WATERING SOMEONE ELSE’S GARDEN AND EXPECTING MY FLOWERS TO BLOOM.
I dove head first into “the work.” I learned how to stop living to please. I started being brave instead.
I started speaking up about what I needed from the guys I was dating.
I dove deep into abandonment wounds and anxious attachment that often compelled me to act “desperate.”
I finally admitted to myself (and my boss) that I had always dreamed of entrepreneurship and put in my two weeks.
I stopped accepting breadcrumbs from friends who always seemed to text with a favor and then disappear when things got busy.
I started asking for support, even when I was scared of being a burden.
I booked a solo trip (and then another and another).
I started facing the fears that came up when somebody ghosted me, asked me to compromise or didn’t like when I had boundaries and standards.
I realized New York no longer felt like home, spent a year as a digital nomad deciding where to move.
Years into being my own boss, realized the business was making me miserable and went back to the drawing board.
I unlearned the stories from childhood that my feelings were “too much” or that I should “take what I can get.”
AND SLOWLY…Things changed
but let’s be clearI’m still a girl figuring it all out.
There are enough “experts” on the internet recounting their dramatic life transformations and how this thing or that “changed their life.” Let’s be clear, my life did change.
I went from emotionally unavailable men to dating the most thoughtful, caring partner. I finished my digital nomad year and surprised everyone by moving back to my home state. I rebuilt my entire business to become Eldest & Co. I finished the first draft of my book. I feel more confident, secure and healthy than I ever have.
But my life isn’t perfect. The beginning of that relationship caused major anxiety and almost ended. My digital nomad year led to burnout that took 3 months to recover from. I had to dip into savings for months when the business wasn’t making money. I had some of my darkest personal days in the midst of all of this.
Don’t listen to me or what we share here because I have it all together.
Trust us because I don’t.
I founded Eldest & Co because eldest daughters don’t need more one-size-fits-all advice, gurus on pedestals, or tied-with-a-bow tales of transformations.
We need to accept ourselves when we’re still a work-in-progress (because there will always be more growth).
We need examples of how to be happy even when things are messy.
We need to hear the behind the scenes of all the difficult bits so we don’t feel alone when we face them.
We need to accept that nobody can give us instructions to live the life that is uniquely ours.
We need to need to learn how to trust ourselves.
We need to see examples of other eldest daughters overcoming the same patterns so we believe we can do it.
We need to believe that we have so much to offer even when we don’t have it all together.
I am a work-in-progress and “good enough.”
I am ambitious and caring.
I am supportive and supported.
I am a sister, partner, friend and daughter.
I am the first to be me and never doing it alone.
QUIZWhich type of eldest daughter are you?
Regardless of whether you were actually born first, you’re probably here because the eldest daughter archetype feels so friggin’ real to you.
But here at Eldest & Co., we’ve come to realize that there’s actually a couple of different types of eldest daughters and that figuring out which one you are can be key to figuring out how to unlock your next big phase of growth!
FreebieDid you know your brain is lying to you?
Underneath the perfectionism, people pleasing and hyper-independence that plague eldest daughters, there’s a common set of beliefs that encourages these patterns and keeps us stuck.
This mini-course delivers a walkthrough of one of these six beliefs each day, in your inbox, and offers some easy ways to get started at breaking those patterns.