How to unlearn limiting beliefs that keep you stuck in life
Put. Down. The. Self-Help. Book.
We realize this might sound ironic coming from a company who offers personal development resources to help you achieve your goals and feel more confident. But here’s the thing: if we feel stuck, it can feel like a natural instinct to go seek something new.
More information, a new tactic, another perspective. We think we need something additional in order to get the result we’ve been looking for. And then it’s been a couple years and you’re wondering why you still feel so emotionally reactive even though you've been "doing the work" for years. You've read the books, gone to therapy, practiced mindfulness, and yet here you are, still second-guessing yourself in that text thread with your friend, still feeling like you're not quite where you thought you'd be by now.
If this sounds familiar, you're definitely not alone. What if we told you that the issue isn't that you need to learn more, but that you actually need to unlearn some of the beliefs that have been quietly running the show? Which is why today we're diving into the art of unlearning the limiting beliefs that keep you stuck, and how to finally start trusting yourself again.
Why unlearning beliefs is more powerful than learning new ones
Here's the thing that nobody talks about in the self-help world: most of what we work on with our community isn't about learning something new. It's about unlearning the stories we picked up along the way that are making us absolutely miserable. Think about it. When did you learn that you can't be yourself around certain people? When did you learn that asking for consistent effort from someone you're dating is "too much"? When did you learn that things just don't work out for you? Or that the only way to get wealthy is by marrying rich? Or that if something comes easily, it's not worth having?
We could go on and on about the limiting beliefs we hear from women in our community, whether they're our friends, clients, or people commenting on social media. These beliefs feel so fundamental, like they're core truths about who you are, but here's what we know for sure: they're not. Thank goodness our thoughts and beliefs are actually malleable. We can decide what we believe, even when those beliefs feel like they're written in stone.
Understanding where limiting beliefs come from
Most of our limiting beliefs were formed during our childhood and early adulthood, often as protective mechanisms. As eldest daughters, we learned early that being "good" meant anticipating everyone else's needs, that our worth was tied to our achievements, and that emotional safety came from being perfect. These beliefs served us at one point, but now they're keeping us small.
The tricky part is that these beliefs don't announce themselves with a megaphone. They show up as that voice in your head that says "you're being too much" when you express a need, or "you should be grateful for what you have" when you want something more. They masquerade as wisdom or intuition, but they're actually just old programming that's outlived its usefulness.
The difference between helpful and harmful beliefs
Not all beliefs need to be unlearned. Some of the things we learned growing up actually serve us well. The belief that we're capable, that we can figure things out, that we're resilient? Those can stay. But the beliefs that make us shrink, that tell us we're too much or not enough, that convince us we need to earn love through performance? Those need to go.
Here's how to tell the difference: helpful beliefs expand your sense of what's possible and make you feel more connected to yourself. Harmful beliefs contract your world and make you feel like you need to be someone else to be acceptable. Helpful beliefs feel grounding and empowering. Harmful beliefs feel heavy and limiting.
Why your brain resists unlearning
Your brain is literally wired to resist change, even positive change. It's not personal, it's neurological. Your brain's job is to keep you safe, and from its perspective, familiar patterns (even uncomfortable ones) are safer than unknown territory. This is why you can intellectually know that a belief isn't serving you, but still feel resistance when you try to shift it.
This resistance often shows up as doubt. You'll start questioning whether change is really possible, whether you're doing it "right," whether you're just fooling yourself. This is completely normal and actually a sign that you're on the right track. The key is to expect this resistance and not let it derail you.
How to identify your specific limiting beliefs
The first step in unlearning limiting beliefs is actually identifying what they are. This sounds simple, but it's trickier than you might think because these beliefs often operate below the level of conscious awareness. They're the water you're swimming in, so familiar that you don't even notice them.
Pay attention to your automatic thoughts
Start by noticing the thoughts that pop up automatically in challenging situations. When you're about to send a text asking for what you need, what does your inner voice say? When you're considering applying for that job or going on that trip, what objections come up? These automatic thoughts are often clues to deeper beliefs.
Keep a running list for a week. Don't judge the thoughts or try to change them yet, just notice them. You might be surprised by how often the same themes come up. Common limiting beliefs we see in our community include "I'm too much," "I don't deserve good things," "If I'm not perfect, I'm not lovable," and "Other people's needs are more important than mine."
Look at your patterns
Your patterns are another window into your beliefs. If you consistently find yourself in relationships where you're giving more than you're receiving, there's probably a belief underneath that says something like "I have to earn love through service" or "My needs aren't as important as other people's." If you consistently undercharge for your work or undersell your accomplishments, there might be a belief that says "I'm not that valuable" or "I shouldn't take up too much space."
The patterns in your life aren't random. They're the external manifestation of your internal belief system. This is actually good news because it means that when you change the beliefs, the patterns will start to shift too.
We also have a ton of interesting journal prompts in our Journal Prompts Vault if you want to go deeper here!
Notice where you feel stuck
The areas where you feel most stuck are often where your limiting beliefs are strongest. If you've been trying to change something in your life for months or years without success, there's probably a belief that's working against you. Maybe you keep saying you want to date more intentionally, but you keep settling for situationships. Maybe you keep saying you want to set boundaries at work, but you keep saying yes to everything.
These stuck places aren't evidence that you're broken or that change isn't possible. They're just showing you where your beliefs need some attention.
The step-by-step process for unlearning limiting beliefs
Now that you've identified some of your limiting beliefs, how do you actually go about changing them? This is where the real work begins, and it's both simpler and more complex than you might expect.
Step 1: Get curious instead of judgmental
The first step is to approach your limiting beliefs with curiosity rather than judgment. Instead of beating yourself up for having these beliefs, get interested in them. Where did this belief come from? What was happening in your life when you first learned it? How has it tried to protect you?
This curiosity is crucial because shame and judgment actually reinforce limiting beliefs. When you judge yourself for having a belief, you're essentially confirming that there's something wrong with you, which strengthens the very belief you're trying to change.
Step 2: Question the belief's validity
Once you've identified a limiting belief and gotten curious about it, the next step is to question whether it's actually true. Most limiting beliefs feel absolutely true when we're in the grip of them, but they usually don't hold up under scrutiny.
Ask yourself: Is this belief always true? Can I think of examples where it wasn't true? What evidence do I have for and against this belief? What would I tell a friend who had this belief about themselves? Often, you'll find that the belief is based on limited data or outdated information.
Step 3: Experiment with new beliefs
This is where it gets fun. Once you've loosened the grip of an old belief, you get to experiment with new ones. What would you like to believe instead? What belief would serve you better? What belief would expand your sense of what's possible
Start small and make it believable. If your old belief was "I'm not worthy of love," jumping straight to "I'm the most lovable person in the world" probably won't stick. Try something like "I'm learning to see my own worth" or "I deserve love just like everyone else."
Step 4: Practice the new belief
Beliefs aren't changed through thinking alone. They're changed through practice. This means looking for opportunities to act as if your new belief is true, even when you don't fully believe it yet. If your new belief is "My needs matter," practice expressing a need even when it feels scary. If your new belief is "I'm capable of handling challenges," practice taking on something that stretches you.
This is where confidence actually grows. Not from positive thinking, but from taking action that's aligned with who you want to become.
Common obstacles and how to overcome them
Unlearning limiting beliefs isn't a linear process, and there are some predictable obstacles that come up along the way. Knowing what to expect can help you navigate these challenges without getting derailed.
The "but what if I'm wrong" spiral
One of the most common obstacles is the fear that you're deluding yourself. What if your limiting beliefs are actually true? What if you really aren't capable of change? What if you're just setting yourself up for disappointment?
This fear is understandable, but it's also a trap. The truth is, you're already living as if your limiting beliefs are true, and look how that's working out for you. Even if there's a chance that your new, more empowering beliefs aren't 100% accurate, they're still more likely to create the life you want than your old ones.
The comfort of familiar misery
Sometimes we resist changing our beliefs because, as uncomfortable as they are, they're familiar. There's a strange comfort in knowing exactly how you're going to feel bad. The unknown territory of new beliefs can feel scarier than the known territory of old limitations.
This is where self-compassion becomes crucial. It's okay to feel scared about change. It's okay to grieve the old version of yourself, even if she was struggling. Change is hard, even positive change, and you don't have to pretend otherwise.
The pressure to change everything at once
Another common obstacle is the pressure to overhaul your entire belief system overnight. This usually leads to overwhelm and giving up. Instead, pick one belief to work on at a time. Focus on the belief that feels most ready to shift, or the one that would have the biggest impact on your life if it changed.
Remember, this is a practice, not a performance. You don't have to get it perfect right away. You just have to be willing to keep showing up and trying.
How unlearning beliefs transforms your relationships
One of the most profound impacts of unlearning limiting beliefs is how it transforms your relationships. When you stop believing that you have to earn love through performance, you start showing up more authentically. When you stop believing that your needs don't matter, you start communicating them clearly. When you stop believing that conflict means rejection, you start having the hard conversations that actually deepen intimacy.
Dating with new beliefs
If you've been struggling in the dating world, limiting beliefs are probably playing a bigger role than you realize. Beliefs like "I'm too much," "Good men are taken," or "I have to settle" will sabotage your dating life faster than any tactical mistake.
When you start unlearning these beliefs and replacing them with more empowering ones, everything changes. You start attracting different types of people because you're showing up differently. You start having different standards because you believe you deserve better. You start making different choices because you trust yourself more.
Friendships and family dynamics
Limiting beliefs also show up in your friendships and family relationships. If you believe that you're responsible for everyone else's emotions, you'll find yourself constantly managing other people's feelings. If you believe that saying no makes you selfish, you'll find yourself overcommitted and resentful.
As you unlearn these beliefs, your relationships will shift. Some people might not like the new, more boundaried version of you. That's okay. The people who truly care about you will adjust, and you'll attract new people who appreciate the real you.
Professional relationships
Your limiting beliefs don't stay home when you go to work. If you believe that you have to be perfect to be valuable, you'll struggle with imposter syndrome. If you believe that asking for what you want is pushy, you'll struggle with negotiation and self-advocacy.
Unlearning these beliefs can transform your career. You'll start speaking up in meetings, applying for stretch roles, and negotiating for what you're worth. You'll stop apologizing for taking up space and start owning your expertise.
Frequently asked questions
How long does it take to unlearn a limiting belief?
There's no set timeline for unlearning beliefs because it depends on how deeply ingrained they are and how much you practice new ways of thinking and being. Some beliefs might shift in a matter of weeks, while others might take months or even years to fully transform. The key is to be patient with yourself and focus on progress, not perfection
What if I unlearn a belief and then it comes back?
This is completely normal and doesn't mean you've failed. Beliefs are like grooves in your brain, and old grooves don't disappear overnight. When an old belief resurfaces, it's an opportunity to practice choosing the new one. Each time you make this choice, you're strengthening the new neural pathway.
Can I work on multiple limiting beliefs at once?
While it's possible to be aware of multiple limiting beliefs simultaneously, we recommend focusing your active work on one belief at a time. This allows you to give it the attention it deserves and avoid feeling overwhelmed. Once you've made significant progress on one belief, you can shift your focus to another.
What if my family or friends don't support my changes?
It's common for the people in your life to resist your changes, especially if those changes affect how you show up in relationships. Remember that their resistance is usually about their own discomfort, not about what's best for you. Stay committed to your growth while being compassionate about their adjustment period.
How do I know if I'm making progress?
Progress in unlearning limiting beliefs often shows up in subtle ways at first. You might notice that you pause before automatically agreeing to something you don't want to do. You might catch yourself mid-spiral and redirect your thoughts. You might feel slightly more confident in a situation that used to trigger you. These small shifts are actually huge victories.
The journey of unlearning limiting beliefs isn't always easy, but it's one of the most worthwhile investments you can make in yourself. When you start to see how you can influence even your longest, deepest held beliefs, suddenly even the most persistent, annoying patterns in your life have the possibility to change. And that's where real confidence grows, not from positive thinking or affirmations, but from the deep knowing that you have the power to shape your own experience.
Remember, you don't need to know that it's going to work perfectly. You just need to be open to the possibility that it might. And even in that small step of being open instead of stuck or hopeless, you're already taking back some of your power and remembering that you have influence on how your life looks and feels.
