Why you have to feel your feelings
If you're like most eldest daughters (or eldest daughter-types), you've probably unintentionally mastered the art of emotional suppression. We're the ones who learned early that our feelings needed to be managed, contained, and pushed aside so we could take care of everyone else. This can often sound like: “I should be over this by now," “I’m overreacting,” or "I can't keep dwelling on this."
But here's what we've discovered: all that pushing away is actually making everything harder. Which is why today we're diving into why emotional suppression backfires and how to finally let yourself feel without falling apart.
How to stop suppressing your emotions and finally let yourself feel
Let's start with the uncomfortable truth: when you try to suppress an emotion, you're essentially playing a losing game of emotional whack-a-mole. Think about it like this: if someone told you right now "don't think about a pink elephant," what's the first thing that pops into your mind? Exactly. A big, pink elephant.
The same principle applies to your emotions. When you put energy into pushing away sadness, anger, or disappointment, you're actually giving those feelings more power. Every time you tell yourself "I shouldn't feel this way" or "I need to get over this," you're acknowledging the feeling's existence while simultaneously fighting against it. It's exhausting, and it doesn't work.
The shame spiral that keeps you stuck
Here's where things get really tricky. When you suppress an emotion, you're not just dealing with the original feeling anymore. You're now also dealing with shame about having that feeling in the first place. So if you're sad about a breakup, you're not just processing sadness. You're also processing shame about still being sad, frustration with yourself for not "moving on" fast enough, and anxiety about whether you'll ever feel better.
This creates what we like to call the shame spiral. The original emotion gets buried under layers of self-judgment, making it nearly impossible to actually process and release what you're feeling. Instead of moving through the emotion naturally, you get stuck in a loop of feeling bad about feeling bad.
Your emotions are trying to tell you something important
We know this might sound revolutionary, but here it is: your emotions aren't the enemy. They're actually sophisticated messengers trying to give you important information about what you need. When you suppress them, you're essentially hanging up on a phone call before you can hear what the caller is trying to tell you.
That sadness about your breakup? It might be telling you that you need more time to grieve, or that you're ready to reach out to friends for support. The anger you feel toward your boundary-crossing family member? It could be signaling that it's time to have a difficult conversation or create some distance. The anxiety about your career? Maybe it's highlighting that you're ready for a change or need to advocate for yourself at work.
When you stop fighting your emotions and start listening to them, they can actually guide you toward what you need to feel more balanced and grounded.
How to let your emotions flow without drowning
Now, we're not suggesting you become an emotional mess who cries at every commercial (though honestly, some of those holiday ads really hit different). Learning to let your emotions flow is about creating intentional space for them, not letting them run your entire life.
Find your feeling space
The next time you notice yourself trying to push away an emotion, if you are able, try to find a comfortable quiet place where you can sit alone. This could be on your couch, in your car after work, or even on a park bench outside your office. The key is to give yourself a bit of peace.
Once you're settled, instead of fighting the feeling, get curious about it. Your internal dialogue might sound something like: "Okay, I'm feeling really anxious about this work presentation. Instead of telling myself I'm being ridiculous, let me just sit with this anxiety for a minute. What does it feel like in my body? What thoughts are coming up? What might this anxiety be trying to tell me?"
This isn't about wallowing or making the feeling bigger than it needs to be. It's about giving yourself permission to feel what you're already feeling without the added layer of self-judgment.
Sometimes we aren’t able to give ourselves the space in the moment or physically move locations while a big emotion is passing through. If that’s the case, if you do nothing else but just try to name the emotion and identify where it is in your body, you’re already on the right track. If you can keep yourself from shaming yourself for feeling the emotion, you’re 95% of the way there!
Ask what your emotion needs from you
Once you've created space for the feeling, try asking yourself: "What is this emotion trying to tell me I need?" This question can help you move from being a victim of your emotions to being an active participant in your emotional experience.
Maybe your sadness is telling you that you need to slow down and rest. Perhaps your anger is highlighting that you need to set a boundary or have a difficult conversation. Your anxiety might be signaling that you need more information or preparation for something important.
When you start treating your emotions as information rather than inconveniences, they can actually become powerful tools for self-awareness and growth.
Practice the art of emotional surfing
Think of emotions like waves in the ocean. They build, peak, and then naturally subside. When you try to suppress an emotion, it's like trying to hold back a wave with your bare hands. Exhausting and ultimately futile. But when you learn to "surf" your emotions, you can ride them out without being overwhelmed.
This means acknowledging when an emotional wave is building ("I can feel myself getting frustrated"), staying present with it as it peaks ("This frustration is really intense right now, and that's okay"), and trusting that it will naturally subside ("I can feel this starting to pass").
The more you practice emotional surfing, the more confident you'll become in your ability to handle whatever feelings come up.
Breaking free from eldest daughter emotional patterns
As eldest daughters, many of us learned early that our emotions were secondary to everyone else's needs. We became experts at reading the room, managing other people's feelings, and keeping our own emotions in check so we could be the "responsible one." But this pattern of emotional suppression often follows us into adulthood, making it harder to trust our own feelings and needs.
Recognizing your emotional suppression triggers
Start paying attention to the situations or feelings that trigger your suppression response. Do you immediately shut down when you feel angry? Do you talk yourself out of sadness because you think you should be "stronger"? Do you dismiss your anxiety as "overthinking"?
Common eldest daughter suppression triggers include:
Feeling angry (because "good girls" don't get mad)
Experiencing sadness (because you're supposed to be the strong one)
Having needs (because everyone else's needs come first)
Feeling overwhelmed (because you're supposed to have it all together)
Once you identify your triggers, you can start to catch yourself in the act of suppression and choose a different response.
Giving yourself permission to feel
This might sound simple, but for many eldest daughters, giving ourselves permission to feel is actually revolutionary. We're so used to managing, fixing, and optimizing that the idea of just sitting with an emotion without trying to change it can feel foreign.
Start small. The next time you feel something uncomfortable, try saying to yourself: "I have permission to feel this. This feeling is valid, and I don't need to fix it or change it right now." It might feel awkward at first, but with practice, it becomes more natural.
Redefining emotional strength
We've been taught that emotional strength means not crying, not getting angry, and not letting our feelings "get the best of us." But real emotional strength is actually the ability to feel your emotions fully and let them guide you toward what you need.
It takes courage to sit with discomfort instead of immediately trying to fix it. It takes strength to feel your anger and use it as information about your boundaries. It takes wisdom to let yourself grieve instead of rushing toward "healing."
Frequently asked questions
Q: What if I start crying and can't stop?
A: This is a common fear, but emotions are naturally self-limiting. When you give yourself permission to feel, the emotion will peak and then naturally subside. If you're concerned about crying in public, choose a private space for your emotional processing time.
Q: How do I know the difference between feeling my emotions and wallowing?
A: Feeling your emotions involves curiosity and acceptance. Wallowing involves rumination and self-pity. When you're processing emotions healthily, you're asking "What does this feeling need?" rather than "Why does this always happen to me?"
Q: What if my emotions tell me to do something I shouldn't do?
A: Emotions provide information, not instructions. Feeling angry doesn't mean you should lash out. Feeling sad doesn't mean you should isolate. Use your emotions as data points to help you make conscious choices about how to respond.
Q: How long should I sit with an uncomfortable emotion?
A: There's no set timeline. Sometimes a few minutes of acknowledgment is enough. Other times, you might need to revisit the feeling multiple times over several days or weeks. Trust your instincts and be patient with the process.
Q: What if I've been suppressing emotions for so long that I don't know what I'm feeling?
A: This is completely normal. Start by paying attention to physical sensations in your body. Tension, fatigue, restlessness, and other bodily cues can help you identify emotions that you might not recognize mentally yet.
Learning to stop suppressing your emotions isn't about becoming an emotional mess. It's about developing a healthier, more sustainable relationship with your inner world. When you stop fighting your feelings and start listening to them, you'll discover that they're not obstacles to overcome but valuable sources of information about what you need to thrive.
Remember, this is a practice, not a perfection. Be patient with yourself as you learn to trust your emotions again. Your feelings have been waiting patiently for you to listen. It's time to finally let them speak.
