The relationship skill most of us skip over that makes a huge difference
You call a friend after a particularly rough day, hoping to just vent and feel understood. But the moment you start sharing, they immediately jump into problem-solving mode, offering suggestions and solutions and you feel rushed, like they don’t want to deal with your feelings. It's one of the most deflating experiences, leaving you feeling even more isolated and misunderstood than before.
I was discussing this with a friend over dinner last week and we both echoed to each other how rare and absolutely relieving it is to have someone just sit with you through whatever your feelings. Simon Sinek has a rule with his friends, "never cry alone" (and while I cry with such regularity that this isn't logistically an option for me, I appreciate the premise).
Of course, after the feelings move through, we are ready to talk about solutions, next steps and what to do about it. But often, you already know the things you will need to do or the next steps, you're just not quite ready to do it yet because of the sadness, anger or loss. And that's okay.
This disconnect happens because we live in a culture obsessed with fixing, optimizing, and solving. We've been conditioned to believe that every problem needs an immediate solution, every emotion needs to be managed, and every struggle needs to be overcome as quickly as possible. But what if we told you that sometimes the most powerful thing you can offer someone (or receive yourself) isn't advice or solutions, but simply your presence and witness?
Which is why today we're diving into this little discussed concept of “witnessing” and why being truly heard can be more healing than any quick fix.
How emotional witnessing transforms relationships and self-trust
Before we explore the practical aspects of witnessing, let's establish what we mean when we talk about this concept. “Witnessing” isn't passive listening or waiting for your turn to speak. It's the active practice of being fully present with someone's emotional experience without trying to change, fix, or minimize it.
When we witness someone's emotions, we're essentially saying: "Your feelings are valid. You're allowed to feel this way. I'm here with you in this moment." This simple act of acknowledgment can be profoundly healing because it validates the person's internal experience and helps them feel less alone in their struggle.
The difference between witnessing and fixing
Most of us have been trained to be fixers. When someone shares a problem, our instinct is to offer solutions, provide perspective, or help them "feel better" as quickly as possible. While this comes from a place of love and care, it often misses the mark entirely.
Fixing assumes that the person's emotional state is a problem to be solved rather than a natural human experience to be honored. When we jump straight into solution mode, we inadvertently communicate that their feelings are uncomfortable for us and need to be changed. This can leave the person feeling unheard, invalidated, and even more distressed than before.
Witnessing, on the other hand, creates space for the full spectrum of human emotion. It acknowledges that sometimes we need to feel our feelings fully before we're ready to take action or make changes. This approach honors the person's emotional intelligence and trusts their capacity to navigate their own experience.
Why eldest daughters struggle with this
As eldest daughters, we're particularly challenged when it comes to this kind of support and sometimes, giving it. We've spent our lives being the responsible ones, the problem-solvers, the ones who hold space for everyone else's emotions. We're so accustomed to supporting others that we often struggle to let others witness us.
This pattern shows up in several ways. We might minimize our own struggles when sharing with friends, immediately following up our vulnerable moments with "but it's fine" or "I'll figure it out." We might feel guilty for taking up space with our emotions, especially if they feel "messy" or unresolved. Or we might avoid sharing altogether, convinced that our problems aren't worth bothering others with.
But here's what we've learned: allowing ourselves to be witnessed is not selfish or burdensome. It's actually a gift we give to our relationships and to ourselves. When we let others see our full emotional range, we model vulnerability and create deeper connections. We also give ourselves permission to be human, which is essential for our own healing and growth.
The healing power of being truly seen
There's something magical that happens when we feel truly seen and heard in our emotional experience. Our nervous system begins to regulate, our sense of isolation decreases, and we often find that the intensity of our emotions naturally begins to shift. This isn't because someone fixed us or gave us the perfect advice. It's because we felt held and supported in our humanity.
Samantha, our founder here at Eldest & Co, often talks about this as one of the greatest privileges of working with clients. She gets to witness their feelings and show them that they're allowed to feel. In fact, letting emotion come out and move through us is beautiful, powerful, and healing.
This process of being witnessed helps us develop a healthier relationship with our own emotions. Instead of seeing difficult feelings as problems to be solved, we begin to understand them as information, as natural responses to our experiences, and as part of the full spectrum of being human.
The mindset approach to lasting change
Now, we know you're a practical, to-do list kind of person, so just feeling your feelings probably doesn't sound sufficient to get you where you want to go. And you're absolutely right. This is why we always come back to this powerful pairing for making real change in our lives: shift your mindset and act differently.
We cannot expect to just work on our mindset but continue acting the exact same way we always have and see significant change. Eventually, our actions need to shift to reflect our new understanding. On the flip side, if we're just going through the motions of new behaviors without actually shifting the underlying mindset, the changes won't stick. This is the biggest problem with surface-level advice like "play hard to get" - it's all action without the mindset shift to support it.
Processing emotions as the foundation for change
But here's the crucial piece that often gets overlooked: in order to shift your mindset, you will always have to feel something. You might need to address the sadness for all the times you accepted less than you deserved. You might need to feel anger at the parent or friend who consistently let you down when you didn't deserve that kind of treatment. You might need to face the fear that nobody will ever truly show up for you so you can see that just because some people won't doesn't mean that nobody will.
This emotional processing isn't a detour from your growth - it's the foundation of it. When we try to skip over the feeling part and jump straight to action, we often find ourselves stuck in the same patterns, just with slightly different behaviors.
Choosing your starting point
We'd invite you to consider which approach feels most accessible to you right now. If you know you'll get started faster by being in action and doing things differently, then seek out programs or challenges that will give you practical steps to take. Sometimes movement creates momentum, and momentum can help us access the emotional work more easily.
If you feel like you want to address your thoughts and feelings first because they're the real source of your struggle right now, then seek out support and potentially a space where you will have room to process and feel before jumping into action. This could also be an opportunity to better communicate to your friends and family when you just need a listening ear rather than advice.
The key is honoring where you are right now rather than forcing yourself into an approach that doesn't feel aligned. Trust your instincts about what you need most in this moment.
Creating sustainable change through integration
The most sustainable changes happen when we integrate both emotional processing and behavioral shifts. This might look like having a good cry about a relationship that didn't work out and then setting new boundaries in your dating life. Or processing your anxiety about money and then taking concrete steps to improve your financial situation.
This integration approach honors both your emotional intelligence and your desire for practical progress. It acknowledges that you're a complex human being who needs both internal and external shifts to create lasting change.
How to become a better witness for others and yourself
Learning to be a better witness - both for others and for yourself - is a skill that can transform your relationships and your own emotional well-being. It's not always easy, especially if you're used to being the fixer, but it's incredibly rewarding.
Practical skills for witnessing others
When someone comes to you with a struggle, try these approaches instead of immediately jumping into solution mode:
Start with presence. Put down your phone, make eye contact, and give them your full attention. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can offer is simply being fully there with someone.
Use reflective language. Instead of "here's what you should do," try "that sounds really difficult" or "I can see why you're feeling overwhelmed." This validates their experience without trying to change it.
Ask before offering advice. A simple "do you want me to listen, or would you like some suggestions?" can completely change the dynamic of the conversation. Most of the time, people will tell you exactly what they need if you just ask.
Resist the urge to relate everything back to your own experience. While sharing can sometimes be helpful, be mindful of whether you're truly supporting them or making the conversation about you.
Learning to witness yourself
Being a good witness to your own emotional experience is equally important and often more challenging. We're so used to judging our feelings or trying to talk ourselves out of them that simply allowing them to exist can feel revolutionary.
Practice emotional naming. When you notice yourself feeling something, try to identify and name the emotion without immediately trying to change it. "I'm feeling anxious about this presentation" is different from "I'm feeling anxious about this presentation and I need to stop being ridiculous."
Create space for your feelings. This might mean journaling, going for a walk, or simply sitting quietly with whatever is coming up for you. The goal isn't to feel better immediately but to allow your emotions to be present without resistance.
Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a good friend. We often speak to ourselves with a harshness we would never use with someone we care about. Practice offering yourself the same compassion and understanding you would give to a friend in a similar situation.
Building a support network that understands witnessing
As you develop your own capacity for witnessing, you might find that some of your current relationships feel less satisfying. This is normal and doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your friends or family. It just means you're growing and might need to communicate your needs more clearly.
Consider having conversations with the people closest to you about the difference between witnessing and fixing. Share what you've learned about the power of being heard versus being given advice. Many people have never considered this distinction and might be grateful for the guidance.
You might also find yourself drawn to new relationships or communities that naturally understand this approach. Trust these instincts and allow yourself to seek out connections that feel more aligned with your evolving needs.
Frequently asked questions
What if someone asks for advice but seems to really need witnessing instead?
This is a common situation, especially with people who aren't used to asking for emotional support directly. You can offer both by starting with witnessing and then gently asking if they'd like some thoughts or suggestions. Often, once people feel heard, they're more open to input or they realize they already know what they need to do.
How do I know if I'm being a good witness or just being passive?
Good witnessing is active and engaged, not passive. You're present, you're reflecting back what you're hearing, and you're creating emotional safety. Passive listening might look like being distracted, not responding, or waiting for the person to finish so you can talk. Trust your instincts - if you're genuinely caring about their experience and trying to understand, you're probably on the right track.
What if witnessing someone's emotions brings up difficult feelings for me?
This is completely normal and actually shows that you're being genuinely present with them. It's okay to feel affected by someone else's pain - that's part of being human and connected. Just make sure you have your own support system to process these feelings afterward. You can't pour from an empty cup, so taking care of your own emotional needs is essential.
How do I ask for witnessing when I'm used to being the strong one?
Start small and be direct about what you need. You might say something like "I'm going through something difficult and I don't need advice right now, I just need someone to listen." Many people will appreciate the clarity and be honored that you trust them with your vulnerability. Remember, asking for support isn't weakness - it's wisdom.
What's the difference between witnessing and therapy?
While there can be overlap, witnessing is something anyone can offer or receive in the context of relationships. Therapy typically involves professional training, specific techniques, and a formal therapeutic relationship. Witnessing is more about presence, validation, and emotional support. Both can be valuable, and they often complement each other beautifully.
We can all use the reminder, both for ourselves and for the people in our lives, that sometimes you don't need to do anything to support somebody or to process a difficult feeling. Sometimes the ask is simply "can I sit here while they feel this so they know that they're supported?" We can pay it forward for when we know we'll need the same.
The power of witness isn't just about being a better friend or family member, though it certainly helps with that. It's about recognizing the inherent wisdom in our emotional experiences and trusting that sometimes the most profound healing happens not through fixing or changing, but through being truly seen and accepted exactly as we are.
In a world that's constantly telling us to optimize, improve, and fix ourselves, choosing to witness - both others and ourselves - is a radical act of love and acceptance. It's a reminder that we're already whole, even in our messiness, and that our emotions are not problems to be solved but experiences to be honored.
