How to identify where your priorities lie when everything feels important
Life is crazy and it all feels important. You want to get a raise but also have work life balance. You want to invest in your relationships but also not overfunction for people. You want to get in better shape but also enjoy the holidays. And then it gets even more complicated when you’re trying to balance relationships, health, work, friendships, hobbies and sleep. Adulting is friggin’ hard.
But at some point we have to make a plan and start executing. Just “doing our best” leads to a point every year where we look back and haven’t become the person we want or done the things we want to in that year. This is where priorities come into play. They are an incredibly important tool to clarify what is actually the most important to us and what would be a “nice to have.”
Here's the thing we've learned as eldest daughters who've spent years trying to optimize our lives: most of the time when we say we "can't" do something or "don't have time" for it, what we're really saying is that it's not actually a priority right now. And honestly? That realization can be both liberating and terrifying.
Which is why today we're diving into how to get crystal clear about what your real priorities are, why this mindset shift can change everything, and how to use this awareness to create a life that actually aligns with what matters most to you.
The difference between priorities and wishful thinking
Before we get into the practical stuff, let's talk about what priorities actually are. Because here's what we've noticed: most of us have a long list of things we think should be priorities, but our actual behavior tells a completely different story.
Your real priorities aren't what you say they are in your journal or what you post about on Instagram. Your real priorities are revealed by two things: where you spend your time and where you spend your money. It's that simple and that uncomfortable.
If you say health is a priority but you haven't been to the gym in three months, guess what? Health isn't actually a priority right now. If you say you want to travel more but you're spending $200 a month on clothes you barely wear, travel isn't your priority. Your shopping habit is.
We’re not judging you - we have all been there where what we say we want and say we’re going to do and what we actually do look completely different. It's about getting honest with yourself so you can make intentional choices instead of living in the gap between what you say you want and what you actually do.
Samantha, our founder here at Eldest & Co, had this very same wakeup call in the early years of building this business. She kept saying she wanted to build her business but was spending hours every evening watching Netflix and scrolling social media. The moment she reframed it as "building my business isn't a priority right now," everything shifted. She could either accept that and stop feeling guilty about her evening routine, or she could actually make her business a priority and change her behavior.
Why we lie to ourselves about priorities
As eldest daughters, we're particularly vulnerable to lying to ourselves about priorities because we want to be good at everything. We want to have it all and do everything right - perfectionism at work.
But you can't actually prioritize everything. The word "priority" literally means "the thing that comes first." If everything is a priority, nothing is. And trying to make everything equally important is a recipe for feeling scattered, overwhelmed, and like you're failing at life. By saying we want to do 7 different things, we’re setting ourselves up to achieve nothing.
But when you commit to one (maybe, maybe two) things as your actual priority right now, you have to face the uncomfortable reality of what that might mean for the timing of the things that you’re deprioritizing. This is why many of us lie to ourselves about what matters most: we don’t want to admit the things that matter less.
When we finally say, “building my business is my priority right now,” we have to admit that our friendships might suffer as a result of it and that’s scary to consider. It’s hard because it’s real! But the choice is yours: say you can prioritize seven things, actually prioritize none and deal with the uncomfortable feelings of not having achieved what you want OR get honest about what is the priority, actually make progress on that thing, and deal with the uncomfortable feelings about the things you had to de-prioritize. But if you’ve done it right, they were de-prioritized for a reason and you have the positive results of the things you did focus on.
It’s impossible to avoid uncomfortable feelings completely. Your friends might be sad they don’t see you as much. Are you going to live your life avoiding their uncomfortable feelings but subjecting yourself to your own disappointment? Or are you going to make sure you feel good about yourself and do the best you can to be a good friend, also understanding that it’s normal to disappoint people sometimes.
The most successful, grounded women we know have gotten really clear about what their actual priorities are in this season of life. They've made peace with the fact that some good things have to wait. And they've stopped pretending that their lack of progress in certain areas is about external circumstances when it's really about internal choices.
The power of a seasonal priority
It feels counterintuitive but you’re actually far better off to get really honest about one big priority for a season and go all in while other things on your list fit in around it than to try to spread yourself thin across a bunch of things.
One thing that makes this whole priority conversation easier is recognizing that priorities can and should shift with different seasons of life. What was a priority in your early twenties might not be a priority now. What's a priority this year might not be a priority next year. And that's not only okay, it's healthy.
Right now, maybe building your career is the priority, which means dating takes a backseat. Or maybe you're in a season where healing from a difficult relationship is the priority, which means you're not focused on making new friends or traveling. There's nothing wrong with having seasonal priorities as long as you're honest about what they are.
The problem comes when we try to maintain all our priorities all at once, or when we feel guilty about what we're not prioritizing instead of being intentional about what we are prioritizing.
How to use the priority reframe to change your life
Now let's get into the practical application of this mindset shift. The first stage is actually before you decide what your real priority is. First it’s just taking an audit of your own excuses. The process is simple…
The magic phrase that wakes you up
Here's the phrase that can revolutionize how you think about your life: "_______ isn't my priority right now." Instead of saying "I don't have time for that" or "I can't afford that" or "I'm so bad at that," you replace it with this more honest version.
Let's try some examples:
"I don't have time to date" becomes "Dating isn't my priority right now"
"I can't afford to travel" becomes "Travel isn't my priority right now"
"I'm terrible at keeping in touch with friends" becomes "Maintaining friendships isn't my priority right now"
"I never have time to read" becomes "Reading isn't my priority right now"
Notice how different that feels? The first versions make you sound like a victim of circumstances. The second versions put you back in the driver's seat of your own life.
It’s likely the first time you start using this, it’s going to prompt some harder questions. “If I say dating isn’t my priority right now and going to the gym isn’t my priority right now and staying in touch with friends isn’t my priority right now, what is my priority right now?”
For many of us, the honest answer to that is: our comfort. Scrolling on TikTok. Vegging on the couch. We are prioritizing feeling comfortable over the things we say we want in life. Sometimes it takes being really honest about what you’re treating as your priority and then assessing if that’s what you want for your life.
What happens when you get honest about your priorities
When you start using this reframe consistently, a few things happen. First, you might feel some discomfort. It can be jarring to admit that something you think should be important to you actually isn't a priority right now. But that discomfort is information.
Sometimes the discomfort tells you that you need to actually make something a priority. If saying "my health isn't a priority right now" makes you feel sick to your stomach, maybe it's time to rearrange your life so that health can become a priority.
Other times, the discomfort is just your conditioning telling you that you should want something that you don't actually want right now. And that's okay too. You're allowed to not prioritize things that other people think you should prioritize.
The goal isn't to feel bad about your priorities. The goal is to get clear about what they actually are so you can make intentional choices about whether you want to keep them or change them.
So ask yourself:
If I only am able to make progress in one area of my life in the next 3 months, which area would make the biggest impact? Or which would feel the most satisfying? (This is a big hint to what your top priority should be)
What are some priorities I say I want that actually feel more like obligations than desires? (This is a big hint about what should get dropped off the list entirely)
What are the things I want to improve on but not quite as much as the top priority? What feelings come up about progress being a little slower in those areas while I go all in on my big focus? How will I support myself when uncomfortable feeling show up around this?
Using priorities to make better decisions
Once you're clear about your actual priorities, decision-making becomes so much easier. When someone invites you to something, you can ask yourself: "Does this align with my priorities right now?" When you're considering a purchase, you can ask: "Is this supporting my priorities or working against them?"
We've found that having clear priorities acts like a filter for all the noise and options in modern life. Instead of trying to say yes to everything and feeling overwhelmed, you can say yes to the things that matter most and no to everything else without guilt.
This is especially important for eldest daughters who have been trained to say yes to everyone and everything. Having clear priorities gives you permission to disappoint people in service of what actually matters to you.
Creating a priority-based life that actually works
Knowing your priorities is one thing. Actually organizing your life around them is another. Here's how to bridge that gap.
One big priority
At the end of the day, a priority is the thing that comes first. It means that there has to be only one of it. Doesn’t mean that you can’t have some secondary goals along the way but be honest that they’re not the priority right now. This might sound limiting, but it's actually incredibly freeing. When you try to prioritize everything, you end up making progress on nothing.
Your three big goals might be: career advancement, physical health, and romantic relationship. Or they might be: financial stability, family relationships, and personal healing. But when you say that your physical health is the priority then when you have to decide between the extra hour at the office or making it to the gym, the answer is clear. When family relationships is the priority then if it takes spending an extra $100 to make it to your niece’s play, you spend that because it’s what matters most.
Every few months, you can reassess and see if your priorities need to shift. They probably will! Maybe you've made significant progress in one area and it's time to focus on something else. Or maybe external circumstances have changed and you need to reprioritize. The key is being intentional about these shifts rather than letting them happen by default.
Aligning your schedule with your priority
Once you know your priority (singular!), look at your calendar. Does how you spend your time actually reflect what you say is important to you? If not, it's time to make some changes.
This might mean saying no to social events that don't align with your priority. It might mean waking up earlier to work on something that matters to you. It might mean having difficult conversations with people who expect you to prioritize their needs over your own.
We know this can feel selfish, especially as eldest daughters who are used to putting everyone else first. But here's what we've learned: when you're clear about what’s most important to you in this season and you organize your life around them, you show up as a better version of yourself in all areas of life. You're more present, more intentional, and more fulfilled.
Dealing with guilt and external pressure
One of the biggest challenges in living a priority-based life is dealing with the guilt and pressure from others. People might not understand why you're not available for everything anymore. They might make comments about your choices or try to convince you that their priorities should be your priorities.
This is where your eldest daughter training can actually work in your favor. You're used to being responsible and making tough decisions. Now you just need to apply that same energy to your own life instead of everyone else's.
Remember that you can't live everyone else's version of a good life. You have to live your own. And that means making choices that align with your values and priorities, even when other people don't understand or approve.
Frequently asked questions
What are the best productivity tools to help me focus on my priority?
Tools are great but clarity matters most. If you can get very clear on the one focus for this season, you are 90% of the way there. Beyond what we’ve discussed in this post, the most powerful tool we recommend is a BFF Board Meeting - this tradition helped our founder Samantha finally break through on getting in a workout routine because she was honest with her friends about what was bugging her and the priority bubbled to the surface.
It can be a great way to have people who love you reflect back what feels most important and then comes with the added benefit of ways to hold you to it so you can make the hard decisions throughout whatever season it is.
Yes, can a task manager help you remember to schedule your workout class? Sure. Could a new habit tracking app help you track your progress? Yup. But in our experience, it’s not the need for a new app that’s holding you back, it’s about not being fully clear.
How do I know if my priorities are "right"?
There's no universal "right" set of priorities. The right priorities for you are the ones that align with your values and move you toward the life you actually want to live, not the life you think you should want.
What if my priorities conflict with what my family or friends expect?
This is common, especially for eldest daughters. Remember that you can't live your life to meet everyone else's expectations. You have to make choices that work for your life, even if other people don't understand them.
But this can bring up big feelings and that’s okay. Set aside time to discuss with a coach, therapist or a resource like To Be Magnetic to help process the feelings so you can stay on track for what really matters to you.
How often should I reassess my priorities?
We recommend doing a priority check-in every three to six months. Life changes, and your priorities should be allowed to evolve with your circumstances and growth.
What if I feel guilty about not prioritizing something important?
Guilt often comes from the gap between what we think we should prioritize and what we actually prioritize. Either make it a real priority by changing your behavior, or accept that it's not a priority right now and release the guilt.
The truth is, getting clear about your priorities isn't just about productivity or time management. It's about living with intention instead of just reacting to whatever demands the loudest attention. It's about creating a life that actually reflects what matters to you, not what you think should matter to you.
We've seen this shift transform the lives of so many women in our community. When you stop pretending that everything is equally important and start making intentional choices about what gets your time and energy, everything changes. You feel more grounded, more purposeful, and more like yourself.
Your priorities don't have to look like anyone else's. They don't have to make sense to your family or your friends. They just have to make sense to you. And when they do, you'll find that living becomes a lot less overwhelming and a lot more fulfilling.
