Why trying to read his mind is sabotaging your dating life
I knew I looked good. Although admittedly, it wasn't an accident that I scheduled a haircut I knew would come with a blowout an hour before my first first date after a multiple monthlong break from dating. I figured, an extra boost of confidence wouldn't hurt?
I walked into the bar - he was as tall as I expected, that's a plus. His flannel and t-shirt combo. A little more lumberjack than I'd usually go for but he has a good head of hair. (The little things that come up in first impressions, huh?) We sit down at a table, pick out drinks from the menu and settle into the conversation.
He was sweet, a good listener and asked great questions. He liked camping way more than I'd ever be willing to do but I felt engaged, noticing how I was leaning on the table, feeling almost a subconscious pull to be closer to him. I noticed how intently he was looking at me, which felt like an odd thing to notice, the intensity of being observed. I wasn't sure if it made me feel appreciated or scrutinized but I knew it was better than the first dates where the man across the table constantly feels distracted by his own thoughts or what's going on around the bar.
He doesn't like watching television - well, that's not a dealbreaker, I like binging the new season of Bridgerton but we don't have to do that together. He likes reading - great, we can bond over what novel I'm reading next. He has a good relationship with his mom and sister - love that. He is really into hockey - well it's not a sport I've ever cared about, but I could learn. Do girlfriends go watch hockey games? Will his teammates like me?
When we talk to women in our community about first dates, there are typically a few things that come up:
I'm wondering what he thought about me;
I'm not sure if these things I noticed on the date are a big deal or not; and,
I want to know what's going to happen next.
We’re scouring the details of a conversation, in real time, and then pushing into double time after we’re no longer across the table from the person. The search? Some clues, or better yet answers, as to what this person feels about us and what that means for the future potential of this budding relationship.
In our experience, the feelings only amplify as you move into scheduling a second date, texting in between and so forth. Is he one of those people who puts down their phone during the workday or does he not care that much? He said he’s looking for a relationship but is he serious?
We search for answers based on the belief that having the answer will make the waiting less uncomfortable. While we wait to see if another date materializes, if we can figure out that we were perceived as attractive, then we’ll be able to relax and wait calmly to see if he texts us. Or if we know that the third drink was actually a sign of an alcohol problem, then we can easily separate from the nerves because we’ll know he's not a match.
But we're wrong.
Having the answers won’t make us feel better, they’ll just give us the illusion of control. Knowing whether somebody found us attractive on date one, is serious about finding a relationship, or is a consistent texter actually doesn’t give us peace of mind that this vulnerable dating scenario is going somewhere.
Because once we get that first answer, then we’ll keep searching for the next one, and the next. There will always be some question - would I get along with his family? Will we be able to fight in a healthy way? Am I being too anxious or is this actually my gut telling me something is wrong?
When we do this post-date analysis, we're usually looking for a way to calm the questions in our brain or to calm the nerves and self-criticism. But these answers, even if we could get them, don't protect against the guy who found you really attractive but then gets staffed on a really busy project at work and decides he “doesn't have time to date.” Knowing that he's looking for something serious doesn't protect against the fact that he really doesn't want kids and you do, but this won't come up until the third date.
We need to talk about this crutch that we all lean on because not only does it not work at giving us peace of mind, it might actually be making dating harder.
Why you should stop trying to figure out what he’s thinking
The urge to mind-read comes from a place we totally understand. When you're used to being the one who anticipates needs, solves problems, and stays three steps ahead (hello, eldest daughter tendencies), the ambiguity of dating can feel like a personal challenge. Your brain wants to treat it like a puzzle to solve rather than an experience to have because the uncertainty is not a feeling your comfortable with.
But here's the thing: even if you could perfectly read someone's mind on a first date, it wouldn't give you the certainty you're actually seeking.
We cannot know how a relationship (or lack there of) with someone will work out after the first date. Even if we were to get a concrete answer from the person we went on the date with about what they thought of us or what they're looking for, there's no guarantee it's accurate or won't change.
Our founder, Samantha, puts it this way: "Answers now do not predict outcomes later." Even if you had a direct line to someone's thoughts in the moment, it wouldn't protect you from the natural uncertainty that comes with getting to know another person.
How trying to figure out what he’s thinking can be steering you wrong
Our brains are naturally wired to pay more attention to potential threats than to potential rewards. This made sense when we needed to spot predators, but it's less helpful when we're trying to navigate modern dating.
So while the actual odds of a second date might be 50/50, your brain is telling you there's a 90% chance he's going to ghost you. Or maybe this was the first first date in a while where you actually really liked the guy and now your brain is flying a million miles a minute at all the ways the relationship could play out and searching for any of the signs that you’re getting ahead of yourself? This is a different version of that same impulse - the racing thoughts, overthinking, these can actually be a sign that your nervous system is on edge looking for a threat. The threat might be disappointment but your body is scanning for any sign that pain is coming.
Caring about what happens next isn’t a bad thing, nor is reviewing the date in your mind. But feeling like you can’t pull your thoughts away from trying to interpret the past or current events has you staying in this survival part of your brain, scanning for danger.
This wouldn’t be a big deal if it was just in our heads. But which frame of mind we’re in actually affects how we act in real time too. So if your brain is in “I might lose him” mode or even “don’t screw this up again” mode, you are subtly making decisions about what to say, when to text or whether or not to make plans for the weekend from the frame of mind of avoiding pain.
This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy where we show up as a slightly nervous, maybe a bit insecure version of ourselves and without even realizing it, acting accordingly. It’s probably not a surprise that people are less likely to be attracted to an insecure version of you than a confident version of you. Because of the analyzing and searching for certainty, we actually start to steer ourselves toward the bad outcome we’re scared of.
Why am I overthinking dating?
Dating is an inherently vulnerable process. We want to be fully known and seen by our partner, which involves showing up to dates and the process of getting to know somebody willing to show not just our most impressive parts but also the parts we aren’t so proud of.
When you have any of the people pleasing or perfectionist tendencies, you’re particularly scared of rejection, so sharing our imperfect self is scary and potentially being rejected for it is even worse.
The overthinking is our brains trying to find any way out of that discomfort. We’re searching for certainty, hoping that if we just think hard enough, we can traverse the process of dating without having to sit with all the potential for pain.
But think about how exhausting it is to run that constant background analysis. While you're trying to enjoy dinner conversation, part of your brain is cataloging every detail: He laughed at that joke, that's good. But he checked his phone, is that bad? He asked about my work, but did he seem genuinely interested or just being polite?
This mental multitasking doesn't just tire you out, it pulls you away from actually connecting with the person in front of you. Instead of being present to your own experience of the date, you're trying to manage and predict their experience. You end up having a relationship with your interpretation of their thoughts rather than with them as a person.
We’re trying to protect ourselves but it’s actually doing the opposite - by being scared of rejection, we’re actually making it harder to get what we want: real, meaningful connection. Dating will always be vulnerable and complicated, there’s no way around that. But we don’t have to make it harder by getting stuck up in our own heads so much that we’re not able to really connect with an actual person.
What to focus on instead of mind-reading
So if trying to read their mind isn't the answer, what should you be paying attention to? The good news is that shifting your focus from their internal world to your own experience is both more effective and way less exhausting.
Instead of wondering what they're thinking, start noticing what you're feeling. Are you enjoying the conversation? Do you feel comfortable being yourself around them? Are you excited about the topics you're discussing together, or are you just going through the motions?
These internal signals are actually much more reliable predictors of compatibility than trying to decode their facial expressions. If you find yourself constantly performing or trying to be someone you think they'll like, that tells you something important about the dynamic. If you feel relaxed and curious, that's valuable information too.
We often tell our community: your feelings are data, not just noise to be managed. When you're tuned into your own experience, you can make decisions based on what actually feels good to you rather than what you think will get a specific reaction from them.
Try to catch yourself whenever you are jumping to a meaning. He took 3 hours to text back rather than 2? Rather than analyzing whether that means he’s losing interest and you need to prepare for disappointment, can you just let it be that he took 3 hours to text back? And how does that feel to you?
If he makes a weird comment at dinner that doesn’t sit well with you, rather than jumping to try to figure out whether that means he won’t be a good communicator, can you just notice what feelings are coming up about the comment?
The feelings in our bodies form a very clear pattern over time, if we can get out of our heads enough to listen to them. Do you feel unsettled most of the time? Are you feeling like you have to be somebody you’re not in order for him to stay engaged? Is the whole process making you feel anxious? One instance isn’t enough to go on, the pattern is what matters but if you are consistently feeling on edge with a person, this could be a sign that this person feels unsafe to your system.
If I’m anxious, does that mean it’s not a fit?
Probably but not 100%. Attraction and attachment are very interesting counterintuitive systems that play on deep-seeded survival parts of our brain. It would take a whole other article, or honestly a book, to dive into how all this plays out so here’s the highest of high level summaries, based on what we’ve seen:
If you are feeling unsettled or anxious whenever you’re with them, it’s usually a sign that you feel the need to perform or you’re trying to get more approval than you actually like them.
If you get unsettled or anxious whenever you feel like they’re pulling away or there’s a moment of disconnection, it’s usually because you are particularly scared of rejection or disappointment and this is something you can work on managing, which then allows you to consider…
If you generally feel comfortable and like yourself with them but have little moments pop up of anxiety or feeling unsettled because “what if it doesn’t work out?” the anxiety is usually tied to uncertainty more generally and the person may still be worth exploring.
The only way you will get certainty with the answers about a person is over time as a more convincing pattern develops. You don’t need to be sure right now, because it’s not possible anyway!
Stay tuned in to your body and the signals it’s giving you and collect more information. It can be helpful, when you feel your brain slide toward the overthinking and trying to read his mind to reinforce to yourself: “I am never going to have all the answers right now, I just need to pay attention to how I’m feeling and the answers will become clear over time”
Trusting your own judgment
Part of what makes us want to mind-read is not trusting our own ability to assess situations and make good decisions. We think we need more information, more certainty, more guarantees before we can move forward.
But you already have everything you need to make good dating decisions. You know what makes you feel comfortable and excited. You know what your non-negotiables are. You know when something feels off, even if you can't articulate exactly why.
Learning to trust these instincts is a skill that serves you far beyond dating. It's about coming back to your own inner guidance system instead of constantly looking outside yourself for answers.
Frequently asked questions
Q: But what if I'm misreading the situation and they're actually not interested?
A: That's totally possible, and it's also okay. Misreading situations is part of being human, and it doesn't reflect poorly on you. The goal isn't to never be wrong about someone's interest level; it's to make decisions based on your own experience and values rather than trying to manage their feelings or predict their actions.
Q: How do I know if someone is genuinely interested without trying to read their mind?
A: Look at their actions over time. Are they making consistent effort to spend time with you? Do they follow through on plans? Are they curious about your life and sharing about theirs? These behaviors are much more reliable indicators than trying to interpret their thoughts or feelings in any given moment.
Q: What if I stop trying to figure out what they're thinking and then I miss important red flags?
A: Actually, you're more likely to notice red flags when you're paying attention to your own experience and their actual behavior rather than getting lost in speculation about their thoughts. Trust your instincts about how someone makes you feel and what you observe them doing.
Q: This sounds great in theory, but how do I actually stop the mind-reading habit?
A: Start by noticing when you're doing it. When you catch yourself trying to decode their thoughts, gently redirect your attention to your own experience. What are you feeling right now? What do you actually know for sure? It takes practice, but this awareness is the first step toward changing the pattern.
Q: What if they're also trying to read my mind? Shouldn't I be giving them clear signals?
A: Focus on being authentic rather than trying to send specific signals. When you're genuinely yourself, you're naturally communicating your interest level and personality. This is much more effective than trying to manage their perception of you.
The truth is, dating becomes so much more enjoyable when you stop trying to be a mind reader and start being present to your own experience. You'll make better decisions, feel less anxious, and actually connect more deeply with the people you're dating. And isn't that what we're all really looking for?
