Pop culture is constantly talking out of both sides of it’s mouth: “it should feel easy” and “your trauma could be the reason why you haven’t found him yet.” Most of us have been hearing both stories for so long that the overwhelming takeaway is that whatever we are or aren’t doing in terms of dating, there’s something keeping us from love.

We ask ourselves if maybe we’re the problem, maybe we’re the one that’s not ready. We’ve done the work — therapy, reflection, journaling, late-night heart-to-hearts with friends — but still, something whispers: “Not yet. You need to fix X, achieve Y, or prove you’ve grown enough before someone can love you.”

If this resonates, you’re not alone. As eldest daughters, many of us carry an internalized checklist for life, relationships, and even self-worth. We’ve learned early on that effort equals reward, that being capable and high-achieving is non-negotiable. So naturally, we think the path to love is the same way, that we’ll have to do something in order to have it in our life.

But, friend, this digs a deeper hole. You don’t have to prove to some universal spirit that you’re worthy or deserving of love. You don’t even need to prove it to somebody that you want to date! Which is why today we’re diving into why you don’t have to prove you’re ready for love, how to reframe your mindset, and what it really means to show up as your authentic self in relationships.

Why Trying to “Earn” Love Keeps You from Finding It

We get it. Society, culture, and even our families have trained us to link effort to worthiness. (If you want a really interesting take on the roots of America's obsession with productivity, this article on it's roots in our countries Protestant beginnings is fascinating!) We’ve spent decades learning that the more we do, the more we deserve. Hustle culture glorifies the grind, and as eldest daughters, we internalize it early. We believe that achievements, resilience, and self-mastery will guarantee us love, approval, and validation.

But here’s the catch: if we think that we earn love, that it’s tied to our effort or being a certain version of ourselves then we are buying into a world where when we don’t have it all together or if we’re in a period where we don’t have a lot to give, we deserve to lose love.

Do you see how that’s a really dangerous place to be? You want to be in the type of deep, stable relationship where you can be your full, imperfect self and trust that even in dark times, when you’re really struggling, the person will stand by you. And yet, in order to fall in love with this person, you need to have it all together and show up to the best of your ability? The math ain’t mathing.

Here’s how we often hear it:

“I don't know it's a little off putting how he's always ready to make our next plans. Like should I be concerned that he's so available?” (This often from the woman who's previously bemoaned how she constantly ends up with emotionally unavailable or unpredictable men in the past.)
“I'm keeping myself distracted so I don't get too attached. Like, I wanna go out again but I wanna make sure he does too.” (This often from the woman who naturally contorts herself in waves of analyzing and strategizing about how she should handle her recent dating scenario.)
“I want a relationship but I still have such abandonment sh*t to work through so I'm taking this time to just work on myself before I get back out there.” (This often from the woman who struggles with low self-confidence and getting deeply attached to the person she's dating when she realizes how many traits they have that she wants and she fears not living up.)

Do you see how in the first example, she’s seemingly turned off by someone who makes the dating process easy. She’s associated dating with something that should feel like it requires work.

The second example is a woman who sees a relationship as a reward for her showing up perfectly. She thinks that she has to do everything right (like getting a perfect grade) in order for someone to still like her.

And in the third example, do you notice that she sees her abandonment wounds as an automatic elimination from her being able to be in a relationship right now? She’s implying that while she has flaws, nobody’s going to want to be with her.

Love doesn’t work like a performance review but if any of the above sound like you, you might have been treating it like it is.

Perfection Isn’t a Prerequisite for Love

A lot of us spend years trying to “fix ourselves” before we allow ourselves to date or before we really believe that someone will truly love us. Maybe we need to be calmer, healthier, more financially secure, or emotionally mature. And while growth is valuable, it’s not like there’s an on-off switch signaling “she’s ready!”

Because really, when we tell ourselves that we have to have figured out X or Y before we’ll start meeting people we’re excited about or before someone is really going to love us, deep down there’s some sort of story that we can’t be loveable unless we’re perfect.

Even if perfection was possible, which it’s not, do we really believe that you have to have your emotional, financial, professional and relational life all figured out to find your person? I bet on a logical level you know this isn’t true. You have a friend who’s happily with their high school sweetheart - they didn’t have their money together to fall in love. Another friend found love months after a divorce or losing their parent, when their emotions were far from together.

There are stories all around us confirming that you can have pain, insecurity, doubt, confusion and still find someone. Waiting until you’re flawless to open your heart is a guarantee you’ll miss out on connection.

Love as Part of Life’s Work, Not a Reward

Love is a verb, not a noun. You don’t receive love when you have crossed some threshold of worthiness. You don’t get to have a partner because you’ve “done enough.”

That’s why the earning narrative is so dangerous because we start to frame having a partner as a thing we “get” when we’ve jumped through enough hoops.

This does us a disservice in many ways. First, it implies that relationships aren’t their own form of work. For our founder, Samantha, when she got into a relationship for the first time in years, it brought up a litany of triggers and insecurities that needed working through, in addition to all the life adjustments of sharing your life with someone.

Secondly, if we believe that a relationship is a reward for who we’ve become, what happens when we have a rough day or don’t show up as our best? Do we deserve for our partner to leave us? Of course not. We hope that partners will see our value and honor that, with grace and compassion on days that we’re struggling. But in thinking about a relationship as something we prove we’re ready for or “earn” we aren’t acting that way in our own mind.

Think of it this way: how can we ask a partner to love us while we’re a work-in-progress, on a down day, or when we screw up if we don’t see ourselves as worthy a relationship when we do those things today?

Your Worth Isn’t Conditional

Here’s a tough but important reminder: you are worthy of love simply for being you. You don’t need to achieve a certain level of success, emotional maturity, or self-improvement to deserve care, attention, or intimacy.

This idea isn’t always intuitive. We’re trained to tie worthiness to performance like grades, promotions, awards, or levels of self-improvement. And while continuing to achieve goals and better ourselves is an amazing pursuit, we have to be careful not to fall into the “I’ll be worthy when…” or “I’ll be ready when…” trap. We aren’t worthy of love because of who we are today or how we act. We’re worthy of love, period. When we were a little smush in the hospital who only slept, ate and pooped, we were worthy and when we’re (hopefully) old and grey, on our deathbeds, no longer able to work or serve anybody, we’ll be worthy of love.

Why you haven’t found somebody or why you aren’t meeting the right person isn’t because you aren’t worthy! It might be timing, chance, or that you’re still fine tuning your compass for what will actually make you happy, in life and in a relationship. Letting go of the notion that you must prove yourself first is the first step to showing up in dating situations knowing that the right person will love you for your strengths and flaws, which actually helps you be more open to being loved fully and authentically.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What if I feel like I really do need to “fix myself” first?

There’s nothing wrong with self-improvement - growth is lifelong. But “fixing yourself” implies that there’s something wrong with you. This is the opportunity to get curious about whatever about yourself you feel needs fixing, might you believe that nobody can love you while this is true about yourself? We want to grow from a place of “I’m worthy of love right now and this is something I want to do for myself” not out of a critical fixing mentality.

2. How do I know if I’m ready for a relationship?

Readiness isn’t about perfection. If you are able to communicate openly about what you’re feeling, show your messier bits to a person without beating yourself up or convincing yourself that it’s wrong, support and compromise with another person and want to have shared experiences, you’re probably ready. Notice it has nothing to do with a job title, appearance, or being perfectly healed?

3. Does self-improvement hurt my chances at love?

Not at all but obsessing over it as a requirement can. Approach growth as something you do for yourself because you deep down want to, not because you think you’ll get some reward for it.

4. Can someone love me if I still feel insecure?

Yes. Think about when you bonded most with your friends - was it when they showed up as if everything was perfect or when they shared their inner world and you realized you were facing similar dilemmas and inner thoughts? Vulnerability allows us to share our inner worlds which is how we truly connect. Vulnerability is magnetic. Insecurity doesn’t disqualify you but if you let it run you into hiding, it might. Showing up despite your doubts invites deeper connection.

5. How do I stop comparing myself to other people’s relationship timelines?

When we compare ourselves to others, we imply that there’s one “right” way and if we didn’t follow that timeline that we’ve done something “wrong.” But remember that everybody’s pacing is different. One friend might date a person for five years before feeling comfortable to commit to a lifetime, but somebody meeting their partner at a later age may be ready to commit far more quickly. Sometimes, something that might seem like a detour or a delay like moving cities could have put you right in the right path for the right thing. As hard as it is to really feel, the best thing you can do is trust that things are working out behind the scenes and stay focused on living your best life.

You don’t have to prove you’re ready for love, you only need to show up as yourself. Relationships aren’t about earning validation or a sign that you’re good enough - they’re an element of life just like a job or a friend. They’re something you choose to show up for, that may add to your life and make it harder sometimes and ultimately, they are not the end-all-be-all of whether your life if worthwhile. In the meantime, make sure you’re out there living.

Love doesn’t wait for perfection, and neither should you.

Do you need to prove you’re ready for love?