What to do when self-doubt kicks in
You know that feeling when you're finally making progress on something important to you, and suddenly your brain starts serving up a buffet of doubt? Maybe you've been working on believing you're worthy of love, or trusting your instincts in your career, or simply learning to put yourself first for once. Things are going well, you're feeling hopeful, and then BAM. Your inner voice starts whispering things like "This is ridiculous," "You're just setting yourself up for disappointment," or "Who are you kidding?"
We've all been there. Maybe this even feels like a daily battle where you are doing things and then at some point, you hear that little sneaky thought creep in. It's frustrating, discouraging, and honestly? It can make you want to give up entirely.
But here's what we've learned: when your brain starts getting snarky like that, it's actually a really good sign. Which is why today we're diving into why your brain fights change so hard and what to do when that familiar self-doubt starts creeping in.
Understanding why your brain resists personal growth and change
Let's start with some real talk about how our brains actually work. Your brain has one primary job: keep you alive. Not happy, not fulfilled, not living your best life. Just alive.
Is our brain doing more than keeping us alive? Of course it is - it’s helping you get stuff done at work, to remember that errand you need to run and to identify what you’re hungry for at lunchtime but when the rubber meets the road, that “staying alive” piece will always win out.
It’s almost like our brain is saying: “yeah, happiness sounds great. I’ll get to that once I make sure you’re safe.” The problem is that there will always be threats and danger out there in the world, not to mention, the worrying that we do that reads as danger within our own mind!
Our brain needs to know that if a real threat were to appear around the next corner, we’d be able to address it. So it’s always focusing on conserving enough energy to be able to respond. This is how this survival instinct can play out in really subtle ways in our day-to-day: our brain is always searching for the thing that feels “easier,” because it will conserve our energy for managing danger.
From our brain's perspective, anything new or different represents potential danger. It doesn't matter if that "new thing" is believing you deserve love or trusting your gut about a career move. If it's unfamiliar, your brain's alarm bells start ringing.
Think about it this way: the street you've walked down a million times feels safer than a brand new route and requires less focus, because it’s so routine. The meal you've cooked dozens of times has less risk than trying a new recipe and you can do it on autopilot. The vacation spot you've been to for years feels more comfortable than exploring somewhere completely different and it doesn’t take the extra energy to navigate some place new. Your brain loves the familiar because familiar equals safe.
Why change feels so threatening to your nervous system
Here's where it gets interesting. When we talk about change being "dangerous" to your brain, we're not just talking about big, obvious changes like moving across the country or switching careers. We're talking about any shift in how you think, feel, or behave.
Let's say you've spent years believing that you need to be perfect to be loveable. That belief, while painful, has become familiar. It's shaped how you show up in relationships, how you present yourself to the world, how you talk to yourself. Your brain knows this territory inside and out.
Now you're working on believing that you're worthy of love exactly as you are, messy bits and all. To your logical mind, this sounds amazing. But to your brain? This is uncharted territory. It doesn't have a roadmap for "what happens when I believe I'm worthy." It only knows "what happens when I try to be perfect," and while that might not be working great, at least it's predictable.
The biological function of your inner critic
This is where your inner critic comes in. That voice isn't just being mean for the sake of it (though it certainly can feel that way). It's actually trying to protect you by steering you back toward familiar patterns, even if those patterns aren't serving you.
When you start making real progress on changing a limiting belief or behavior pattern, your inner critic kicks into high gear. It starts pointing out all the ways this new approach could go wrong. It reminds you of past failures. It questions whether you're being realistic or just setting yourself up for disappointment.
And honestly? It's really good at its job. Your inner critic knows exactly which buttons to push to get you to retreat back to familiar territory. It knows your deepest fears and insecurities, and it's not afraid to use them. It’s not doing this to be mean or because you’re broken - this is a function of the part of your brain that’s trying to keep you in the familiar, safe, low-effort zone of staying exactly where you are.
While it’s counter-productive to happiness and fulfillment, this part of your brain is actually succeeding at it’s larger goal of keeping you safe. Safe, unfortunately, just isn’t the same as happy.
How to recognize when resistance means you're on the right track
Here's the plot twist that changes everything: when your brain starts getting really resistant, when that inner critic gets loud and snarky, it often means you're getting dangerously close to real change.
Think about it logically. If your brain doesn't like change because change represents danger, and it tries to get you to retreat through critical thoughts, then when those critical thoughts show up, it means your brain is sensing danger. And if it's sensing danger, that means you're approaching something new and unfamiliar. Something that could actually shift your experience.
We see this all the time. A woman will be working on trusting her instincts in dating, making real progress, feeling more confident. Then suddenly she'll have a week where her brain is telling her "This is stupid, you're just going to get hurt again, you should go back to overthinking everything." That's not a sign she's doing something wrong. That's a sign she's doing something right.
What to do when self-doubt and skeptical thoughts take over
Okay, so now you understand why your brain fights change. But what do you actually do when you're in the thick of it and you actually want to change? When that inner critic is loud and persistent and you're starting to question everything you've been working on?
Step one: Don't automatically believe your thoughts
This might sound obvious, but it's harder than it seems. We've been conditioned to trust our thoughts, to treat them as facts rather than just mental events. But here's the thing: just because you think something doesn't make it true.
When your brain starts serving up thoughts like "This isn't working" or "You're just fooling yourself," try to create some space between you and those thoughts. Instead of "I'm just fooling myself," try "I'm having the thought that I'm just fooling myself." It's a small shift, but it can create enough distance for you to evaluate whether that thought is actually helpful or accurate.
Remember, your brain is designed to keep you safe, not to help you grow. Sometimes those two goals are in direct conflict with each other.
Step two: Look for patterns in your resistance
Pay attention to when your inner critic gets loudest. Is it when you're making progress on a particular area? Is it when you're about to try something new or take a risk? Is it when you're feeling good about yourself?
We often find that resistance shows up most strongly right before a breakthrough. It's like your brain's last-ditch effort to keep you in familiar territory. If you can start to recognize these patterns, you can begin to see resistance as information rather than instruction.
One Samantha’s former clients noticed that every time she started feeling confident about dating, her brain would immediately start listing all the reasons why she wasn't ready or why it wouldn't work out. Once she recognized this pattern, she could say "Oh, there's my brain trying to keep me safe again" instead of taking those thoughts at face value.
Step three: Find your anchor points
When self-doubt is swirling, it helps to have some anchor points to come back to. These might be:
Evidence of progress you've already made (even small shifts count)
Trusted friends or mentors who can offer perspective
Your own deeper knowing about what you want and why it matters
Past experiences where pushing through resistance led to growth
The key is to identify these anchor points before you need them. When you're in the middle of a doubt spiral, it's hard to think clearly. But if you've already identified what helps ground you, you can return to those touchstones more easily.
Step four: Take small, consistent action anyway
This is perhaps the most important part: keep moving forward even when the self-doubt shows up, even when you don't feel like it. Not because you need to push through everything or ignore your feelings, but because consistent small actions help build evidence that change is possible.
Your brain learns through experience. Every time you take action despite the resistance, you're teaching your brain that this new territory is actually safe. You're building new neural pathways and creating new patterns of evidence.
This doesn't mean you have to take huge leaps. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is take one small step forward while acknowledging that you're scared or uncertain.
Building trust with yourself through the change process
Change isn’t easy because our brain doesn’t want ourselves to do it. And it can feel unsettling when you realize that you actually have to disagree with your own thoughts in order to make change.
This can feel confusing in terms of these big amorphous ideas like “self-love” and “self-trust.” Isn’t it distrusting myself if I’m hearing thoughts and ignoring them?
This is a crucial distinction because if you want to make meaningful change in your life, you’re going to come up against the inner critic/self-doubt voice every time you’re approaching a new level. Trust comes from actions, not words. Same with love, honestly.
Your ability to trust yourself doesn’t come from believing every thought in your head. It’s from the repeated evidence that when you commit to doing something, you follow through. Loving yourself doesn’t come from just saying nice things to yourself. It’s from the repeated instances where you choose the action aligned with taking care of yourself, respecting yourself and putting yourself first.
Trusting yourself or loving yourself does not depend on you never having doubts, an inner critic or making a mistake. It’s impossible. You will have moments of self-doubt, critical inner thoughts and make the wrong call. What matters is whether you let those moments keep you caged in your current comfort zone or if you can recognize that it’s not the thoughts you have that matter, it’s what you do next after you notice them.
When you trust yourself, you don't need to have all the answers before you take action. You don't need to feel 100% certain that something will work out. You just need to trust that you can navigate whatever comes up.
This is especially important when you're working on changing limiting beliefs or patterns. The process isn't linear, and there will be setbacks and moments of doubt. Self-trust is what allows you to keep going even when the path isn't clear.
How to stay connected to your inner guidance
Your inner guidance system is always there, but it can get drowned out by all the noise in your head. Here are some ways to tune back in:
Get quiet regularly. This doesn't have to be formal meditation (though that's great if it works for you). It could be a few minutes in the morning before you check your phone, a walk without podcasts or music, or just sitting with your coffee in silence.
Notice what feels expansive vs. contractive. Your body often knows before your mind does. When you think about different options or directions, notice what makes you feel more open and energized versus what makes you feel tight or drained.
Pay attention to what you're drawn to. Not what you think you should be drawn to, but what actually captures your interest and curiosity. Your authentic desires are often pointing you toward growth.
Practice distinguishing between fear and intuition. Fear usually feels urgent and catastrophic ("If I don't do this perfectly, everything will fall apart"). Intuition tends to feel quieter but more grounded ("This doesn't feel right for me right now").
Creating space for both growth and self-compassion
Here's something we wish someone had told us earlier: you can be committed to growth and still be gentle with yourself. You can want to change and still have compassion for where you are right now.
Too often, we think we need to hate where we are in order to motivate ourselves to change. But that approach usually backfires. When you're constantly criticizing yourself, you're adding another layer of stress to an already challenging process.
Instead, try approaching change from a place of curiosity and care. "I notice I'm having a hard time trusting my instincts in this situation. I wonder what's behind that?" feels very different from "I'm so stupid for not trusting myself."
The goal isn't to eliminate all doubt or resistance. It's to develop a different relationship with those experiences so they don't derail your progress.
Frequently asked questions
Q: How do I know if my doubts are valid concerns or just resistance to change?
A: This is such a good question, and honestly, sometimes it's hard to tell in the moment. Valid concerns usually come with specific, actionable information ("I don't think this job is a good fit because the values don't align with mine"). Resistance tends to be more vague and catastrophic ("This will never work out" or "I'm not the kind of person who gets what they want").
Also pay attention to the timing. If doubts show up right when you're making progress or about to take action, that's often resistance. If they come up during quiet reflection when you're not feeling pressured, they might be worth exploring more deeply.
Q: What if I've been working on something for a long time and I'm still having the same doubts?
A: First, be gentle with yourself. Change takes time, especially when you're working on deep patterns that have been with you for years. The fact that you're still showing up and doing the work matters, even if it doesn't feel like you're making progress.
That said, if you've been stuck in the same place for a long time, it might be worth examining whether you're approaching the issue from the right angle. Sometimes we get so focused on changing our thoughts that we forget to look at the underlying beliefs or experiences that created those thoughts in the first place.
Q: How do I deal with people in my life who don't support the changes I'm making?
A: This is really common, especially for eldest daughters who are used to being the reliable, predictable one. When you start changing, it can make other people uncomfortable because it disrupts the familiar dynamic.
Remember that other people's discomfort with your growth is about them, not about you. You don't need everyone's permission or approval to become who you're meant to be. That said, it can be helpful to have at least one or two people in your corner who understand what you're working on and can offer support when things get challenging.
Q: What if I try to change and it doesn't work out the way I hoped?
A: Here's the thing: "not working out the way you hoped" doesn't mean you failed or that change isn't possible for you. It usually means you learned something important that you couldn't have learned any other way.
Every attempt at change gives you information. Maybe you discover that your approach needs to be adjusted. Maybe you realize that what you thought you wanted isn't actually what you want. Maybe you learn that you're more resilient than you thought. All of that is valuable, even if it doesn't look like the outcome you originally envisioned.
Q: How long should I expect this process to take?
A: We wish we could give you a timeline, but honestly, it varies so much from person to person and depends on what you're working on. Some shifts happen quickly, others take months or even years to fully integrate.
What we can tell you is that the process itself becomes easier over time. The first time you work on changing a limiting belief, it might feel overwhelming and unfamiliar. But as you develop more experience with navigating resistance and staying connected to yourself, you get better at it. You start to trust the process even when you can't see the end result.
A reminder as you move forward
Change is hard, and your brain's resistance to it is completely normal and understandable. But that resistance doesn't have to be the end of the story. When you understand why your brain fights change so hard, you can start to see those skeptical thoughts and self-doubts as information rather than instruction.
The goal isn't to eliminate resistance entirely (that's probably not possible anyway). It's to develop a different relationship with it so that it doesn't derail your progress. When you can recognize resistance as a sign that you're approaching something new and potentially transformative, it becomes less scary and more manageable.
Remember, we're here to believe in your capacity for change even when you don't. Every time you choose to take a small step forward despite the doubt, every time you question whether your critical thoughts are actually true, every time you stay connected to what you want even when it feels uncertain, you're building evidence that change is possible for you.
Your brain might not like change, but that doesn't mean change isn't good for you. Trust the process, be gentle with yourself, and keep going. You're closer to breakthrough than you think.
