How to know if you love yourself
When looking for a solution to almost any part of your life - dating, relationships, mindset, confidence, career, money - there’s one recurring piece of advice that reoccurs more than any other: “you just need to love yourself.”
It gets tossed around like a quick fix for everything from heartbreak to career stress to friendships that feel one-sided. It sounds great as advice to give because it is at the core of so many insecurities, doubts, and missed opportunities. But when you’re the receiver of that advice, it’s much harder.
So it’s time to explore why “loving yourself” is such common advice, how to know if you actually do, the signs that you might not, and then how to begin the journey of liking yourself, so you can eventually building towards that love.
Why “Loving Yourself” is Such Common Advice
There is a reason you hear this phrase everywhere. “Love yourself” shows up in pop songs, self-help books, therapy sessions, Instagram captions, and even conversations with well-meaning friends. If you love yourself, you will supposedly choose the right partners, chase the right goals, set the right boundaries, and live a happier life.
The way you feel about yourself influences nearly every area of your life. Based on how you assess your own value, you determine what jobs, partners, and opportunities you’re allowed to have. How you let others treat you, what you pursue, how resilient you are when things go wrong, and even your relationship with rest is all tied into how we see ourselves.
So the problem is not that the advice is wrong. It is that it is too vague. No one explains what “loving yourself” looks like on a Tuesday afternoon when you are exhausted from a job you hate and your little sister emergency FaceTimes you to talk through her most recent boy drama.
For eldest daughters, there is another layer. We grew up with ingrained patterns of perfectionism, responsibility, and self-sacrifice. We’ve carried responsibility for as long as we can remember. We have been the strong one, the dependable one, the one who takes care of others before ourselves. Our literal identity is tied up in being the one loving not the one being loved. It seems like it should be easy enough to just direct that energy inward but it’s actually not as simple as it sounds.
Why? Well, we don’t just over-extend, people please, hustle and martyr ourselves for shits and giggles. Part of that behavior has come from these beliefs that we have to prove our worthiness to be loved. We have to earn it.
With those structures in mind, loving ourselves feels near impossible because it doesn’t depend on anybody else. We are the only one who can give ourselves permission to love ourselves but if we could do that, we wouldn’t have been chasing all this external validation to begin with.
Even if we could figure out how to direct the love and care we give others towards ourselves, we already have a compromised relationship with the concept. Because so much of our identity was built on putting others first, “Loving yourself” can sound indulgent or selfish. We’ve been conditioned to believe that our worth comes from being useful and reliable. We’re loved because of what we do, not who we are.
Do we want to be able to treat ourselves with the same love and care as we give others? Of course we do. But the reason the advice is so commonly given is because it’s so much easier said than done. When you’re trying to learn how to love yourself, it’s usually because at some point in your past you internalized that you weren’t loveable as you are.
Working toward loving yourself, or even liking yourself, means you have to start addressing the roots of your self-doubt to begin with. The good news is that the benefits of loving yourself are widespread and deeply impactful. There’s a reason why it’s the most commonly given confidence and mindset advice… well, basically ever.
How to Know if You Love Yourself
So before we dive into making changes, how do you even know if you love yourself right now? You’re smart enough to know that the answer is not found in whether you post affirmations on your Instagram story, take bubble baths or buy the matcha latte. Loving yourself is about the deeper patterns of how you treat yourself, how you speak to yourself, and how you allow others to interact with you.
Let’s look at this in three layers: internal, external, and relational.
Internal cues that you love yourself
You speak to yourself with kindness. Your inner voice may not always be perfectly gentle, but it is not your harshest enemy. When you make a mistake, you do not spiral into shame. You trust that you can learn and move forward.
You see yourself as someone worthy of good things - joy, care, rest - regardless of whether you’ve had the best day or the worst.
External cues
You set and hold boundaries even when it is uncomfortable. You might still feel nervous when you say no, but you do not always abandon yourself in order to please others.
You invest in your own rest, pleasure, and growth without guilt. You take risks even when you don’t know how things work because you trust yourself to either thrive or learn.
Relational cues
You show up authentically in relationships. You do not shrink yourself down or exaggerate yourself to be accepted.
You do not tolerate consistent disrespect or neglect from others. You may have compassion, but you also have limits.
If these descriptions feel like you most of the time, there is a good chance you are operating from a place of self-love.
Okay…
Do you think those people have clicked away from the article yet? Okay, now that it’s just us, let me say that if you’re in the majority of people for whom self-love doesn’t come naturally, that’s totally okay too. It’s not common to actually love yourself. But that’s what we’re here to change!
Signs You Might Not Love Yourself
It’s not fun to admit when your relationship with yourself isn’t that loving. You might see yourself as accomplished, or caring, but not actually at the deeper level think you’re loveable. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but clarity is powerful. When you can name the patterns, you can begin to shift them. Let’s frame look at these signs the same way as above: internal, external, and relational.
Internal cues
You live with a constant inner critic. Perfectionism drives you. Mistakes feel unbearable.
You rely on numbing or distraction when you’re dealing with difficult feelings or doubts. Overworking, endless scrolling, or procrastination are ways you disconnect.
You feel guilty when you rest because you feel like there’s no way that you’ll get what you want if you don’t work for it.
You only feel “enough” when you are accomplishing something or helping someone else.
External cues
You chronically over-give. You are always meeting other people’s needs while neglecting your own, and underneath it all, resentment quietly builds.
You struggle with boundaries. You say yes when you want to say no, and you convince yourself it is easier to please others than to face conflict.
Relational cues
You confuse being needed with being loved. If people rely on you, it feels like proof that you matter. Without that, you worry about your value.
If you feel callllllled out, that’s okay. We have all been there. Making change starts with acknowledging where you are. But let’s figure out how to change it, shall we?
How to Learn to Like Yourself
Once you acknowledge that you don’t really love yourself, it often opens a big can of worms. You start asking questions like:
What makes be believe I deserve love?
What parts of myself do I not feel are good enough?
Why haven’t I been able to accept love from myself and others?
Before you know it, you may realize that not only do you not love yourself, you’re not sure you really even like yourself?
(If this statement doesn’t resonate with you, feel free to skip on to the next section. Need to make sure I talk to the people starting at various points but great for you if you feel ready to jump ahead.)
If your self-talk sounds more like a middle school bully than a supportive mom, we might be in the zone of not even liking ourselves. If you are constantly frustrated with your ability to follow through or how you show up and internally berate yourself for it, we’re definitely in that zone.
If we think about what love is really based on, there’s probably a combination of things like appreciation, respect, and connection. You might look at your dog and you appreciate your personality, you see their needs as worthy of respect and you feel connected to them through the time you’ve spent together.
When you compare that to how you speak to yourself, treat yourself and think about yourself - how does it compare? Maybe not so well.
To like ourselves, the first step is to treat ourselves well in our internal world - in how we think about ourselves, our opinions of ourselves and how we talk to ourselves. Think of it as moving from constant criticism to a place of neutrality and then gradually to respect.
Liking yourself is about your thoughts, opinions, and language.
Some ways to get started:
Audit your inner dialogue. Pay attention to how you speak to yourself throughout the day. Do you call yourself names in your head when you forget something? Do you diminish your accomplishments because they are never “enough”? Start by noticing. Awareness is the first step to change.
Shift your inner voice. You do not need to jump to extreme positivity. You do not have to stand in front of the mirror and declare that you are the best person who has ever lived. But you can soften the edges. When the thought “I am failing” shows up, you might respond with “I am learning.” When “I am not enough” whispers in your ear, you might counter with “I am doing my best.”
Claim your strengths and preferences. So often, eldest daughters shape themselves around what others need. You may not even know what you like anymore. Take time to notice what lights you up, what you believe in, and what you enjoy. This is part of getting to know yourself again.
Rewrite labels. The words you use matter. Maybe you have been called “bossy” or “too much.” You can reframe those same traits into “I am confident” or “I am a leader.” The way you describe yourself influences how you see yourself, and over time, how you treat yourself.
It may be helpful to use the way you relate to other people as a proxy for how you relate to yourself, while you’re still in the stages of learning. Would you say that to your sister? Would you be that hard on your friend when they slip up? You may have gotten so comfortable with your own internal voice that you don’t realize how out of line it really is.
Now as you begin to audit and evaluate your internal narrative, it may be hard to suddenly feel good about a life and decisions that you’ve been critiquing all this time. I’ll be honest, that part of this is truly just a reframing and perspective exercise. Seeing how you are worthy of respect even when you haven’t hit that career threshold, seeing how you have a great personality even if a guy just ghosted you, this is part of the challenge.
But you can also supplement this with actually trying to show up differently. The reality is, whether or not you feel like you’ve got the “liking yourself” under control, the next step will always be to work towards loving yourself, which comes through in not just your thoughts but your actions.
How to Learn to Love Yourself
I’ve always loved the idea that love is not a feeling, it’s an action. It’s a verb. You don’t feel love, you express it. When you like yourself (or even when you’re just on your way there), you can start acting from that place.
Love doesn’t just show up when things are going well. Part of loving yourself, in action, is to treat yourself well, to give yourself rest, to speak kindly to yourself even when things aren’t going well.
But I know this can sound generic so here are some of the ways self-love shows up in practice:
Authentically expressing your opinions and desires. Saying no is one of the most profound acts of self-love. It communicates that your needs and limits matter. Even when it disappoints others, it protects your energy and your well-being. Saying out loud what you believe even when it may not be popular is an act of celebrating who you are.
Courageous (sometimes difficult) conversations. If you respect yourself, you are willing to do the hard thing to stay in integrity. Rather than only seeing other people’s needs as worthy, you are willing to voice your needs and truths. Instead of people-pleasing to keep the peace, you let others know what matters to you.
Taking risks for your dreams. Loving yourself means that you think you should be able to have good things. It means that you think you do a good job and that you are trustworthy. Somebody who believes in themselves is willing to make bet on themselves. They don’t play small out of fear.
Self-compassion in hard moments. Everybody makes mistakes and stumbles. When you care about yourself like you care about others you can hold the fact that you made a mistake in the same space as knowing that you’re a good person, worthy of compassion and support. This matters in how you talk to yourself but also not taking yourself out of the game because of one mistake.
Receiving from others. Many eldest daughters really struggle with this one. You are used to giving, fixing, and holding space. Let the compliment land. Accept the help offered. Say yes when someone wants to care for you. Just like it’s meaningful to you to be able to support those you care about, you have to allow them the same favor.
Integration. Self-love is woven into daily choices. It shows up in the food you eat, the rest you allow, the relationships you nurture, and the work you pursue. It is not a separate ritual like a glamorous bubble bath, it’s in how you show up in an effort to create the life you want.
These are all, of course, easier said than done. You will not just flip a switch and do all these things but the more you can find ways to bring these efforts in to your day to day life, the more you’ll notice that your beliefs about yourself will shift. It is about practice. Every time you choose a loving action toward yourself, you reinforce the belief that you are worthy of care and respect.
Of course, you want to feel good about yourself!
Who wouldn’t! Just know that loving yourself isn’t some indulgence or nice to have. It has benefits in every area of your life and it’s so worth the challenges of unwinding any beliefs you might have on why you’re not currently ready for it.
Let me please remind you that, you do not need to overhaul your life overnight. In fact, I wouldn’t recommend it because you’d probably be doing it from a place of not liking the life you built. Instead, start small. Pick one thought you want to reframe. Choose one boundary you want to hold. Accept one act of kindness without deflecting. These tiny steps build momentum.
Remember this: being the eldest daughter has often meant being strong for everyone else. You have been the steady one, the responsible one, the caretaker. But real strength also means turning that care inward. Loving yourself is not abandoning others. It is learning how to include yourself in the circle of care.
You are not behind. You are not broken. You are simply learning how to relate to yourself in a new way. And that journey is not only allowed, it is necessary.
