How to embrace uncertainty and stop needing to know what happens next
We've all been there: mind racing through every possible scenario of how that text conversation might unfold, or how that job interview went, or whether that person we're seeing is actually interested. We replay conversations, analyze tone, and create elaborate mental flowcharts of what could happen next. It's exhausting, and honestly? It's not serving us.
As eldest daughters, we've been conditioned to have the answers, to be the ones everyone turns to when things get messy. We've built our entire identities around being prepared, having backup plans for our backup plans, and knowing exactly where we're headed. But here's the thing we're learning: that need for certainty isn't protecting us. It's actually keeping us small.
Which is why today we're diving into something that might feel counterintuitive but could completely shift how you move through the world: learning to not just tolerate uncertainty, but to actually embrace it.
Why uncertainty feels so scary (and why that's completely normal)
Let's be real about why uncertainty feels like our worst enemy. As eldest daughters, we learned early that being prepared meant being safe. If we could anticipate what Mom needed, predict Dad's mood, or figure out how to keep everyone happy, we could avoid chaos. Uncertainty meant potential disaster, and disaster meant we'd failed at our most important job: keeping everything together.
Fast forward to adulthood, and that same pattern shows up everywhere. We want to know if someone likes us before we put ourselves out there. We want guarantees about career moves before we make them. We want to see the entire staircase before we take the first step. But that need for certainty is actually the thing that's keeping us stuck.
Uncertainty is the price we pay for growth
Think about every meaningful thing that's happened in your life. That friendship that changed everything, the job that opened doors you didn't even know existed, the moment you finally stood up for yourself in a way that felt authentic. None of those things came with guarantees.
You probably didn’t realize it at the time (or maybe you did). But there were a ton of little moments where you didn’t know what was going to happen next and you took a step anyway. It’s in that willingness to step into the unknown, to risk disappointment or failure, that we are able to access new things in our life.
The opposite of certainty isn’t uncertainty, it’s openness.
When we start stepping into new situations where we don’t know whether or not it’ll work out, we’re deciding to be open to multiple outcomes.
That’s why it’s so scary, because we’ve attached some larger meaning to which outcome plays out. We’re not scared of uncertainty, we’re scared of the potentially “bad” outcome that might come out of a situation where we’re not fully in control.
But it makes sense for the eldest daughter type, who has kept herself safe by being in control, that stepping into those scenarios would feel deeply uncomfortable, because being in control is our default state.
We’ve demonized uncertainty and told ourselves that we just like to be in control, but the deeper truth underneath is that we’re so attached to things being predictable, that we’d rather do nothing and be predictably stuck than to take a risk and open ourselves up to new possibilities.
Our founder, Samantha, often talks about how she learned this lesson through her own dating experiences. She realized that every time she tried to control the outcome of a relationship, to know exactly where things were headed before she allowed herself to feel anything, she was essentially choosing the emotional equivalent of a savings account. Safe, predictable, and ultimately unsatisfying.
She was never going to be pleasantly surprised in a dating situation if she only spent time with people who she could predict how it’d play out. She was subconsciously choosing guys she wasn’t that into, who would predictably fawn over her, or the guys that “weren’t ready for a relationship,” who were playing out the same patterns she’d been in for years. It was painful, but it was predictable.
She realized that playing it safe and trying to always be in control was keeping her repeating the same patterns. She didn’t want her love life to feel like the dating equivalent of a savings account and that meant that she’d probably have to do some new things where she didn’t know how it would work out.
We've been taught to see uncertainty as a problem to solve, but what if it's actually the gateway to everything we want? What if the discomfort we feel when we don't know what's coming next isn't a warning sign, but an invitation?
The dating parallel that changes everything
If you're on that financial freedom grind, you know that the safer the investment (like savings accounts) the lower the returns. Keeping your money in cash has no risk, but it also means you’re losing money to inflation as the value of the dollar decreases. Savings accounts are a step up, the risk is still very very low so you make a little money back in interest. When you invest in bonds, it’s slightly more risk so slightly higher return and finally, the stock market has more ups and downs, but in exchange for that risk, it’s possible to see the biggest returns.
In life, dating and in money, to see meaningful growth, you have to be willing to accept some volatility. You can't time the market perfectly, but if you stay consistent and don't panic when things dip, you're likely to see returns over time.
Dating works exactly the same way. When we try to eliminate all uncertainty from our romantic lives, we're essentially choosing the savings account approach. We only pursue people who seem "safe," we hold back our real feelings until we're sure they're reciprocated, and we avoid any situation that might lead to disappointment. But just like with money, the safest emotional investments offer the lowest returns.
The people who intrigue us, who make us feel alive and seen and challenged in the best ways? They come with uncertainty. There's no guarantee they'll choose us, no promise that things will work out the way we hope. The uncertainty surrounding them is a potential risk, yes, but it’s also the signal for a potentially higher return.
There is no world where you will have 100% success in everything you do. There is not a person out there who hasn’t been rejected, disappointed or embarrassed. The path to the outcomes we want - the relationship, the full bank account, the fulfilling career - isn’t through taking the certain step, the one we’ve done a million times before. It’s in trying our best to be open. Taking the step that could lead to disappointment or could lead to connection. Taking the step that could lead to a big rejection or could lead to the getting the offer or being asked out on that date. You don’t have to love not knowing what’s going to happen next, but can you be open to the various outcomes?
Building your uncertainty tolerance like a muscle
The goal isn't to become someone who thrives on chaos or makes reckless decisions. It's about gradually expanding your capacity to sit with not knowing, to take meaningful risks without needing guarantees about the outcome.
Think of it like building physical strength. You don't start by trying to deadlift 200 pounds. You start with what you can handle and gradually increase the weight as you get stronger. This is the same game you will play with being able to be open, even when you know their might be an unpleasant outcome on the other side.
We resist openness because we make the “bad” outcome mean something about us. We say to ourselves that we’ll only be okay if he wants to go out with us, but we won’t if he isn’t interested, because that will mean that we’re not good enough and are never going to find love.
Do you see how that makes openness infinitely more scary? Our whole worth is on the line of this random dude we met two days ago?
On a practical level, the path to tolerating uncertainty comes down to two simple (but not easy) steps:
Reduce the fear around the “bad” outcome. Reframe the perspective around what the “bad” outcome means about us - how might it have nothing to do with us? How might the “bad” outcome be the best thing that could ever happen?
Step into action before we feel ready - our bodies are wired to wait until it feels safe, certain. To begin to build muscle memory for openness, we’ll have to get simple repetitions in of taking a step when we don’t know the outcome.
Maybe you start by sending that text without overthinking it for three hours first. Maybe you apply for a job that feels like a stretch. Maybe you tell someone how you really feel about them without needing to know how they'll respond. Small acts of courage that prove to yourself that you can handle not knowing what comes next.
Frequently asked questions
Q: But what if I make the wrong choice because I didn't think it through enough?
A: Here's the thing about "wrong" choices: they're usually only wrong in hindsight, and even then, they often lead to unexpected opportunities or lessons. The bigger risk isn't making a choice that doesn't work out perfectly, it's staying stuck in analysis paralysis while life passes you by. Trust that you can handle whatever comes from your decisions, even if they don't unfold exactly as you hoped.
Q: How do I know the difference between healthy uncertainty and just being reckless?
A: Great question. Healthy uncertainty means taking calculated risks that align with your values and long-term goals, even when you can't guarantee the outcome. Recklessness means making impulsive decisions that ignore potential consequences or go against what you know is right for you. The key is asking yourself: "Am I avoiding this because I'm scared of the unknown, or because it genuinely doesn't feel right?"
Q: What if embracing uncertainty makes me seem flaky or unreliable?
A: There's a difference between being comfortable with uncertainty and being inconsistent with your commitments. You can absolutely be someone who follows through on what you say you'll do while also being open to new possibilities and comfortable with not having every detail figured out. In fact, people often find this combination of reliability and flexibility incredibly attractive.
Q: I've been hurt before when I took risks. How do I trust myself to handle uncertainty again?
A: We hear you, and we're sorry you've been hurt. But here's what we've learned: the pain you experienced wasn't because you took a risk. It was because something didn't work out the way you hoped. Those are two different things. You survived that disappointment, which means you're stronger than you think. The question isn't whether you'll ever be disappointed again (you will), but whether you trust yourself to handle it when it happens.
Q: How do I stop my brain from spiraling when I don't know what's going to happen?
A: First, normalize the spiral. Your brain is doing what it was designed to do: try to keep you safe by predicting and preparing for every possible outcome. Thank it for trying to protect you, then gently redirect your attention to what you can control right now. Focus on your next right step, not the entire staircase. And remember: you don't need to have it all figured out to move forward.
The truth is, uncertainty isn't going anywhere. It's woven into the fabric of being human. We can spend our energy fighting it, trying to control outcomes and predict the future, or we can learn to dance with it. We can start seeing those moments when we don't know what's coming next not as threats to our security, but as invitations to trust ourselves more deeply.
Because here's what we know for sure: you're more resilient than you think, more capable of handling whatever comes your way than your anxiety wants you to believe. The uncertainty you're afraid of? It's not your enemy. It's the space where all your best possibilities live.
