What’s so important about confidence?
It feels like you either have it or you don’t. You see the amazing women leaders on doing podcast interviews and making big bets. You have that one friend who just seems to effortless attract people to her. Obviously, confidence is a game changer for your work, your relationships and just life in general, but why?
The relationship between confidence and success isn't what most people think it is. And once you understand what confidence actually does for you (and what it doesn't), everything changes. Which is why today we're diving into the real truth about confidence and how to use it to create the life you actually want.
The Truth About Self-Confidence and Why It’s Your Secret Weapon for Success
Let's start by getting real about what we're actually talking about when we say "confidence." We're not talking about some magical personality trait that some people are born with and others aren't. We're talking about your willingness to take action even when you're not sure of the outcome.
The Confidence Myth That's Keeping You Stuck
Here's where most of us get it completely wrong. We think confidence works like this:
Today: actions = bad results
If we figure out this confidence thing: confidence + actions = good results
When we frame it this way, no wonder we put so much pressure on ourselves to "get confident" first. It feels like confidence is this missing ingredient that will magically transform our lives. But what if we told you that's not how it actually works?
The reality is much more like this:
Today: few actions = few results
If we figure out this confidence thing: confidence x action = more results
Think about that friend who always seems to get the guy. She's not getting a yes from every single person she talks to. She's just talking to more people. She's putting herself out there more often, which means she gets more opportunities, which means she gets more yeses. But she also gets more nos. The difference is, she doesn't let the no’s stop her from continuing to take action.
This is the confidence multiplier effect. Confidence doesn't guarantee you'll get what you want every time. It just makes you more likely to keep trying until you do get what you want.
Taking Action Builds Real Confidence (Not the Other Way Around)
Here's something that might blow your mind: you don't need to feel confident to act confident. In fact, the fastest way to build genuine confidence is to take action before you feel ready. We call it “act as if.”
Every time you do something that scares you a little bit and survive it, you're proving to your nervous system that you can handle uncertainty. You're building evidence that you're capable of more than you thought. This is how real confidence gets built, not through positive affirmations or visualization exercises (though those can help too).
The woman who finally asks for that raise doesn't suddenly feel confident one day and then ask. She decides to ask, does the scary thing, and then feels more confident afterward. The woman who starts dating again after a breakup doesn't wait until she feels ready. She puts herself out there, goes on some awkward dates, learns what she wants, and builds confidence through experience.
If we could shout it from the rooftops we would: action creates confidence, not the other way around. The more you practice doing things that feel uncomfortable, the more comfortable you become with discomfort. And that's when everything changes.
The Real Reason Confident People Get Better Results
Let's go back to that example of the confident guy at the bar. Yes, he might get more phone numbers than the shy guy in the corner. But it's not because confidence is some magical charm that makes people say yes. It's because he's playing a numbers game.
When you're willing to take more action, you get more at-bats. More at-bats means more opportunities to succeed. More opportunities to succeed means you're going to hit more home runs, even if your batting average stays exactly the same.
But here's where it gets really interesting. Over time, confident people don't just take more action. They also get better at taking effective action. They learn from their experiences. They adjust their approach. They develop better instincts about what works and what doesn't.
They’re able to do this because they don’t make the misses, the strike outs, the failures or rejection mean something about them.
This is what holds so many women back from being confident. You try something new or take a risk but when it doesn’t go well, it feels like that means you’re not meant to do it.
You want to be more confident in dating but then you get ghosted after the first date back out there and it feels like that means something about you.
When you’re in that cycle, of course it’s hard to keep going and taking more attempts. You’re internalizing failure and that’s obviously going to make you not feel very good. The challenge you have to accept is to see that failure, rejection or, in this example, getting ghosted as just a part of the process and not about you.
That takes mindset and resilience (but what do you think are the ingredients of confidence anyway).
Yes, eventually being confident leads to better results more often. But it starts with being willing to take action in the first place, even when you're not sure it will work out. And then it continues when you face a setback and choose to keep going.
Confidence isn’t something that washes over you, it’s a mindset you practice every day.
How to Start Building Confidence (Even If You Don't Feel Ready)
So how do you actually start building this kind of confidence? It's simpler than you think, but it's not necessarily easy.
Start with small actions that feel slightly uncomfortable but not terrifying. Maybe it's speaking up in a meeting when you normally stay quiet. Maybe it's texting that person you've been wanting to reach out to. Maybe it's applying for a job that feels like a stretch.
The key is to choose actions that push your comfort zone without completely overwhelming your nervous system. You want to feel a little nervous, not paralyzed with fear.
After you take the action, here's the most important part: celebrate the fact that you took action, regardless of the outcome. Did you speak up in the meeting and your idea got shot down? Celebrate that you spoke up. Did you text that person and they didn't respond? Celebrate that you put yourself out there.
This is how you start rewiring your brain to see "failure" as evidence that you're taking action, not evidence that you're not good enough. And once you make that shift, everything becomes possible.
We also recommend keeping a "confidence journal" where you write down every action you took that day that required even a tiny bit of courage. You'll be amazed at how many small brave things you're already doing that you're not giving yourself credit for.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I take action and get rejected or fail?
A: This is exactly what we want to happen! Every rejection or "failure" is proof that you're taking action and pushing your comfort zone. The goal isn't to avoid rejection; it's to get comfortable with it so it doesn't stop you from continuing to try.
Q: How do I know if I'm taking the right actions?
A: There's no such thing as the "right" action when you're building confidence. The right action is whatever action you're willing to take. You'll learn and adjust as you go, but you can't learn anything if you're not taking action in the first place.
Q: What if I don't feel confident even after taking action?
A: Confidence isn't a feeling you have before taking action; it's a skill you build through taking action. Some days you'll feel more confident than others, and that's completely normal. The goal is to be able to take action regardless of how confident you feel in the moment.
Q: How long does it take to build real confidence?
A: This varies for everyone, but in our experience you can see some progress in a few weeks and a ton of progress in a few months IF you are consistently taking small actions outside their comfort zone. The key word here is "consistently." One brave action won't change your life, but taking small brave actions regularly absolutely will.
Q: What if people judge me for putting myself out there more?
A: Here's the truth: people are mostly thinking about themselves, not judging your every move. And the people who do judge you for trying to improve your life? Those aren't your people anyway. The right people will respect you for going after what you want.
Building confidence isn't about waiting until you feel ready to take action. It's about taking action before you feel ready and building confidence through experience. It's about understanding that confident people don't get better results because they never fail; they get better results because they're willing to fail more often.
The next time you catch yourself thinking "I'll do that when I feel more confident," we want you to flip the script. Ask yourself: "What action can I take today that will help me build confidence?" Then do that thing, celebrate yourself for doing it, and watch as your willingness to take action grows.
Remember, you don't need magic to create the life you want. You just need to be willing to take action before you feel ready. And that's something you can start doing right now, today, in this moment.
