This might be what's making it harder to be confident!
We've all been there: seeing someone post on Instagram or LinkedIn and thinking, "Wow, they're so confident. I wish I felt that sure of myself." But what if we told you that your very definition of what confidence should feel like might be the exact thing keeping you from experiencing it?
Here's the thing we've learned after years of working with capable, spiraling eldest daughters: most of us have been sold an idea of confidence that simply doesn't exist. We've been conditioned to believe that confident people never have doubts, never feel nervous, and certainly never question themselves. But that's not confidence. That's fantasy. And chasing fantasy is exhausting.
Which is why today we're diving into the mindset shift that could completely change how you experience confidence, dating, career moves, and pretty much every area of your life where you've been waiting to "feel ready.
The confidence myth that's keeping you stuck
Let's start by getting real about where we picked up these unrealistic expectations in the first place. Think about it: where did you learn that confidence was supposed to feel like an absence of doubt? Rom coms? Instagram highlight reels? That one friend who seems to have it all figured out (spoiler alert: she doesn't)?
We've been fed this narrative that confident people wake up every morning feeling absolutely certain about their choices, never second-guessing themselves, never feeling those familiar butterflies before a big presentation or first date. But here's what we've discovered: that version of confidence doesn't actually exist.
What confidence actually feels like (and why that's good news)
The definition of confidence we use in our work is this: a mindset where you believe you can handle the situation regardless of the outcome. Notice what's not in that definition? The absence of doubt. The absence of nerves. The absence of that little voice in your head wondering if you should have prepared more.
You can be confident and still wonder if you should have reviewed your presentation one more time. You can be confident and feel a little nervous about whether that guy you're talking to wants to see you again. You can be confident and still have moments of "Am I doing this right?"
The difference isn't that confident people don't have these thoughts. It's that they don't let these thoughts stop them from moving forward.
Why this reframe changes everything
When Samantha, our founder here at Eldest & Co, first had this realization about dating, it was like a lightbulb moment. She'd been operating under the belief that dating should feel easy and effortless, and when it didn't, when it brought up feelings and anxiety and occasional discouragement, she thought something was wrong with her.
But what if nothing was wrong? What if the experience of putting yourself out there, opening your heart, and navigating the vulnerability of meeting new people is inherently going to bring up some feelings? What if that's not a bug in the system, but a feature?
The same applies to confidence. When we stop expecting confidence to feel like this magical state where doubts don't exist, we can finally give ourselves permission to be human while still being brave.
The permission you've been waiting for
Here's what this mindset shift gives you: permission to feel nervous and do it anyway. Permission to have doubts and still trust yourself. Permission to be imperfect and still be worthy of taking up space.
Instead of waiting for that mythical day when you'll feel 100% sure of yourself (spoiler: it's not coming), you can start practicing confidence right now, doubts and all. You can apply for that job even though you're not sure you're qualified enough. You can have that difficult conversation even though you're nervous about how it will go. You can put yourself out there in dating even though rejection feels scary.
Because confidence isn't about the absence of fear. It's about the presence of trust in yourself to handle whatever comes next.
Frequently asked questions
Can I be confident in some areas of my life but not others?
Absolutely. Confidence often develops unevenly across different areas of our lives. You might feel confident in your career but struggle with dating, or vice versa. This is completely normal and doesn't mean you're not a confident person overall.
Don't some people just naturally feel more confident than others?
Some people do seem to have a higher baseline of confidence, but even they experience doubt and uncertainty. But the key is that the baseline somebody starts with does not dictate how confident they can be. In fact, some incredible leaders and public speakers built these skills especially because they felt so bad at them as children. Just because you don’t feel confident right now doesn’t mean that it’s not possible for you. The difference between somebody who stays feeling insecure and those that develop confidence is in how they've learned to relate to those feelings, not their genetics or natural inclination.
How do I know if I'm being confident or just reckless?
Great question. Confidence involves thoughtful risk-taking with an awareness of potential outcomes. Recklessness typically involves ignoring potential consequences altogether. Confident people prepare, consider the risks, and then move forward anyway.
What if I try this approach and still feel anxious or doubtful?
That's completely normal and expected. The goal isn't to eliminate these feelings but to change your relationship with them. Instead of seeing anxiety as evidence that you're not confident, you can see it as evidence that you're doing something that matters to you.
How long does it take to shift this mindset?
Like most meaningful changes, this is an ongoing practice rather than a one-time shift. You might have moments of clarity followed by old patterns creeping back in. That's part of the process, not a sign that you're doing it wrong.
This mindset shift isn't about lowering your standards or settling for feeling bad. It's about raising your standards for what it means to be human while still being brave. It's about recognizing that the most confident people you know aren't the ones who never feel doubt. They're the ones who feel doubt and keep going anyway.
When we stop putting confidence on a pedestal and start seeing it as a practice rather than a destination, everything changes. We stop waiting for permission from our feelings and start giving ourselves permission to act. We stop looking for external validation that we're "ready" and start trusting that we can figure it out as we go.
And honestly? That's where the real magic happens. Not in the absence of uncertainty, but in the presence of courage despite it.
